Shared Quote… From CarouselConductor, a poster in one of the subreddits I frequent:
Loss. Whether a death, estrangement, or any other kind.
Losing someone leaves a hole. This hole is in the shape of the person who is gone. It has ragged, bleeding edges that hurt with every movement. It’s hard to even consider this void, because even looking at it brings pain. All you can do is hope that something fills it in, because it’s too wide. Too deep. Too open.
And then time passes. You remember the person, talk about them, the good times, the bad. The bleeding edges are still painful, but somehow, you can approach them a little closer. It’s tender, but the bleeding has been slowed. The void is keenly felt, and you wonder what it will take for it to just go away.
More time passes. It’s not so bad, when you look at the hole, now. You might be wondering when it will fill in. If you get too close, you can still see the echo of the person who left the hole. Peering into it might still be too much, and nothing moves the same way anymore. But the bleeding has stopped and the pain isn’t there every time you move.
As even more time goes by, you start to realize that things feel different, but that raging pain is more of a distant ache, now. If you look at the hole, you find that the edges are scarred over. The void is still there. The shape of what made it is still recognizable. And then you realize that the hole is there, and it will always be there.
The topography of what makes you, you, has changed.
The ragged edges have healed over and you find that in that thing you thought was a bottomless pit of pain, there is now a well of memories. It’s up to you if you visit for a time, or simply walk on by.
Give yourself time for the hole to heal. And it will heal, regardless of abstracts like forgiveness, regrets, blame, or anger. Even if it doesn’t seem like it.
Please seek help when dealing with the trauma of loss. No one should go through grief alone.
Closing Notes: My kickboxing class was cancelled for the fall and they emailed me today to let me know that I have priority enrollment for a yoga class they are adding.
My mom laughed at me when I told her, commenting that it’s another form of stress management. I looked at her and replied that I have a deep need to punch and kick things and they just took away my ability to do this!!!!
*goes off to sulk and find a local kickboxing class*
It was a dark and stormy night… Technically, it’s not dark yet but it’s been a very windy night. We’ve had gale warnings and there’s a small craft advisory out on the Sound right now. The rain seems to have passed but it was a good day to be inside!
Tea for two… or seven. My priest invited me and some of her other mom friends to a “mothers’ survival tea” today and it was wonderful. There’s a tea room on the second floor of a granary in the downtown area and it was a nice and intimate location for lunch. I had a lovely Caesar salad for my first course while others had a zucchini-pear soup or a casoulet. The tea sandwiches were excellent and the chocolate zucchini bread was excellent. I was bummed to have to leave early to go to a therapy appointment!
Grades are in. I have a solid 4.0 (all A’s, no A- at all) for the third straight quarter! I’m applying to be a tutor next year in my department because I loved working with my classmates in various subjects.
And for my troll, friends of mine who teach gun safety (including a few LEO’s) are quick to point out that people with concealed weapons are not helpful in this kind of situation because they add to the chaos and end up getting shot themselves.
Bad behavior. I’ve seen two instances of bad behavior in the 36 hours since the shooting in Alexandria. One was Newt Gingrich being interviewed and ranting about the radicalization of the far left. Yeah… the ones who have been fighting for gun control? Nice try.
The second instance of bad behavior was someone commenting that the Republicans deserved for this to happen because of what they’ve been doing to this country. Ummm… no. *NOBODY* deserves to be shot or to be in a place where someone opens fire.
One of the students from my entering class at UCSC was Gabby Giffords’ director of community outreach Gabe Zimmerman and was killed at that event where she was shot by Jared Lee Loughner. He was in a different residential college than I was so we’re not sure if I had any classes with him but he was friends with some of my friends. When Congressman Scalise was shot, Gabby was one of the first to speak out and her statement was powerful. Let’s follow her example and come together over this.
Looking out my window… cloudy. We had a little bit of sun but it got cold again.
I am thinking… about how I will structure my classwork this summer. I have an online class on interpersonal communications
I am thankful… that the Warriors annihilated the Cavs in the NBA championships. I’m a Bay Area native and I hate all Cleveland sports teams so I’m positively gleeful. This also means that my boys have avenged their loss in the championships last year. 🙂
One of my favorite things… clean sheets. I just made my bed with fresh sheets and am loving it. (It’s laundry day for Daniel and me.)
I am wearing… a long-sleeved berry colored shirt from Old Navy and jeans from Kohl’s.
I am creating… this entry. I turned my last PowerPoint presentation in last night and am DONE with everything for the quarter.
I am reading…Wedding Cake Murder by Joanne Fluke.
I am hoping… for a calm and quiet evening tonight.
In my kitchen… not sure what I’ll do for dinner tonight.
In the school room… Daniel finishes school for the year on Friday.
Post Script…this is from March but it’s still amazing.
Shared Quote… “I’m not going to light myself on fire to keep you warm.” — something from a page on dealing with people who have narcissistic personality disorder like this blog’s troll does.
A moment from my day… my favorite hymn from Sunday.
Looking out my window… sunny and in the 60’s. I might have to shave my legs so I can wear shorts tomorrow!
I am thinking… about the presentation I have to give on Thursday in my Intro class. I’m doing a PowerPoint presentation on the same topic so I’ll probably use the PowerPoint presentation to help me organize my thoughts.
I am thankful… I don’t have a heavy homework load due on Tuesday — Thursday is going to be crazy though.
Looking out my window… sunny with some clouds. We’ve gotten sprinkled a couple times but it’s nice enough out right now.
I am thinking… about what I have due over the next couple of days. All of my PE 100 stuff has to be in tonight, Accounting homework is due tomorrow morning, and I have stuff for my other classes due at various points on Tuesday.
I am thankful… for good worship this morning. It’s always good when I feel connected in prayer and in receiving the Eucharist.
One of my favorite things… calmness and quiet in the house. Mom and my uncle are cooking downstairs and Daniel is in his room currently.
I am wearing… my Cougars shirt and jeans. I hate the Cougars about as much as I hate Ohio State… but my youngest cousin Sarah (recent WSU grad) is coming to dinner tonight and I love Sarah so I’m wearing the shirt. (It’s also very warm.) Church clothes this morning were my turquoise/black/white bokeh dress, black camisole, black cardigan, and black flats.
I am creating… spreadsheets for my Accounting homework and message board entries for my PE class.
I am listening to… “Eye of the Storm” by Ryan Stevenson.
I am hoping… this chapter’s book work for PowerPoint isn’t boring. I love creating and manipulating presentations but not so much the reading about it.
I am learning… how to do the indirect method for a statement of cash flows.
In my kitchen… ling cod tonight with various salads and potatoes and macaroons with ice cream for dessert.
In the school room… Daniel’s teachers are working with him on getting him to stop hitting.
Post Script… I’d like to share this for those whose mothers or mothers-in-law are toxic people. I’m very lucky to have a wonderful mom but some people aren’t that lucky.
Shared Quote… “We are mirrors whose brightness, if we are bright, is wholly derived from the sun that shines upon us.” — C.S. Lewis
A moment from my day… My first Mother’s Day 8 years ago.
Looking out my window… dark. It was cool and rainy for most of the day. (In the Pacific Northwest? SHOCKER!!!)
I am thinking… about the PowerPoint homework on which I am procrastinating.
I am thankful… to have my problem set for Accounting done so I don’t have to figure it out before class. I’ll deal with my Chapter 20 outline instead!
One of my favorite things… tulips. It’s probably good I live where I do.
I am wearing… jammies. Church clothes were a black cardigan, blue-green fitted tee, black/white striped skirt, black tights, and black flats. I jettisoned everything but the shirt when I got home and tossed on jeans and flip-flops.
I am creating… PowerPoint presentations when I finish this blog post.