naps

naps are good things. i took one from about 11:45 to 13:15 today. cool sheets, somewhat quiet dorm. it was jen heaven. less than a week until fall con and less than two until i see my fox. happy jen.

steve, why just the blog on your page? also… love option #7. 🙂

depression strikes again

well… last night i started crying while talking to jon and continued even after he fell asleep. this morning, i couldn’t stop crying and barely made it through my history section. i was advised by a few of my friends to skip my afternoon classes to sleep and try to stabilize. i went to my sociology class only because i thought the midterm was going to be handed out today and then went home, turned on napster to my “praise” mu3, and catnapped until jon called. then i waffled over whether to go to art history and finally decided not to after my friend amy commented that since i had a notetaker, i was safe to go sleep again. so… i came back up to my room and catnapped until i had to go to dinner.

i think i really need to start treating my depression as the illness that it is and i need to realize that there are going to be times that are worse than others and that i really need to rest during those times. these are also times when i need to remember that i also need to reach out to other people rather than mope around in my room. i am planning on going to Bible study tonight and i did eat with people rather than alone this afternoon. i was also really thankful for jon louie at lunch. he let me cry and just talked to me. thank goodness for small things.

conversations

well… jon talked to his dad last night and he said that it was a wonderful conversation. his dad had some suggestions that are answers to things that we had been praying about for a long time. apparently, spouses can take classes free at jon’s seminary so i can take intensive greek and hebrew after we get married and that will help me once i’m in seminary. i can also drive jon’s car to ohio which will give me a car to use while jon learns to drive. (it’s hard to believe that i’ll be learning to drive this weekend. i will admit that i’m scared but not as scared as i was about the ropes course.) jon and i also got a long conversation last night which was good because i was really sad about him being back in oregon. i know that i only have 8 more months of this but it’s still really hard. when i was in columbus, i was wishing that i could just cancel my plane ticket back and live in ohio with jon. however, i knew that my parents would have a fit as well as it being a pain to get my clothes and all of that shipped to me. we’re trying to see if we can’t spend some time together in the beginning of november and i’m praying that southwest or alaska has a cheap deal for that weekend. at least we can communicate by email, aol im, yahoo messenger, and phone until then. i miss my fox…

my soc professor is an idiot!!!

: i’m erasing the journal entry from yesterday because i don’t feel like it was really accurate about my day. incidentally, cindy was right: paul is a hellenistic jew (sorry cindy) and i’m actually kind of grateful that she knows something of what she is teaching.

my soc professor, however, does not impress me as someone who really knows the Bible. he thought that the Gospel according to john was the books of revelations. (hello? they are different books.) the video was also more into the mainstream Christian view of “symbolic interpretation” which annoyed me because i feel like people need to get away from trying to prove the Bible and just read it.

my reading in cj today was acts 9:1-19 (paul’s conversion experience) and i’m feeling like ananias right now. in the passage, the Lord goes to ananias and asks him to seek paul out so ananias can heal him. ananias is kind of skeptical because paul is the guy that is persecuting the followers of Jesus. likewise, i feel like ananias when i’m in my classes these days since i feel so persecuted. ucsc prides itself on religious tolerance but for some odd reason, christians can’t be part of that. for example, our fliers have been stapled over and vandalized. if we did that to the muslim student association or to a buddhist organization, we’d be kicked off campus, yet people can do things like that to ours? great. people have also told me that i must be feeling really submissive to my fiancée because christianity is so “misogynic”. it can be — but only by those who quote random scriptures and ignore the ones that say that all of us are equal. sigh…

jon louie came to visit yesterday and it was an interesting though somewhat one-sided conversation. we did try to talk but i felt like jon was preaching to me and soliloquizing again. it was nice to see him though i feel like we’ve lost the spiritual bond since he’s stopped going to church for whatever reason.

JON PROPOSED!!!!!!

this has been an insane day. a somewhat major medical situation for me, finding out that things are going to be ok even though jon and i had been up for half the night panicking, dinner out to celebrate our ENGAGEMENT (!!!!)… as soon as i finish this, we’ll do the rosary together and the offices that we didn’t say today. yes, the two of us do a lot of praying together but praying together is what has really strengthened our relationship. yes… jon and i are now engaged. yesterday was his 23rd birthday and he proposed just after i gave him the fudge cake that i had made him. my ring is a silver celtic friendship knot which is what i wished for since i’m not into extravagant jewelry. (i don’t *know* what i’d do with myself if i had a diamond ring, honestly.) the two of us have pretty much known for the last 6 months that we were going to end up this way. he’s so spiritually strong, so smart, so funny, so kind, so gentle, so compassionate, so wonderful… i’m a happy lepicat. i didn’t get a chance to finish the email i originally sent so i’ve gotten a lot of emails and phone calls asking for details (!!!).

i was reading one of jon’s mom’s devos today and it talked about the importance of staying caught up on devo reading and such. i can attest to this. i feel really weak if i’m behind and i feel really panicky if i don’t pray daily on my own. (jon, who is standing next to me, reading this over my shoulder, says, “great sales pitch mom!!”)

worker’s comp woes

if i hadn’t realized how much i love jon and how well we suit each other, i realized it last night. i’ve had a really nasty week with problems from the insurance company that is handling my worker’s comp, from my bank as far as what the balance in my account really is, from my co-workers… i was in neurotic tears last night and instead of saying, “jen, i can’t deal with this — call me when things were better”, he sat and listened to me rage on about my problems and then he tried to sing me to sleep. i think i really need to keep this guy. 🙂

i did a bunch of girly home-ec stuff today. i made a feta-pesto-mozzerella calzone for lunch which was awesome and i made pizza from scratch tonight. since we have so much leftover cheese and sauce and pesto, i may just make a lasagna tomorrow morning before work for people to nosh on when they get home. i would also have loved to do some sewing but i’m afraid of breaking mom’s machine since i’ve never been able to thread it well.

frustration

sigh… why do i get involved in the politics on the compuserve fellowship forum? mikael responded back and what he said did hurt, but i still stand by my postion, mostly because my decision is backed up by my faith and that’s what should be governing my life. still… it does hurt to be on mikael’s bad side.

today was a frustrating day. i got tosses into jr’s with no idea what i was doing. (matt pointed out that i now know more than i did at this time yesterday. why is he right all the time? :)) i also got to back up café, which reminded me why i’m happy to be out of there. the next time i complain about missing the café, somebody please shoot me.

in my quiet time, my passage talked about praising the Lord. this is something that i really need to start doing as much of my prayer time is spent complaining to the Lord about my situation. yes, i am depressed in a bad way. yes, i am angry. yes, i want out of san jose and away from the yuppie scum that inhabit it and live off of their yuppie coffee and beamers. this still doesn’t mean that i shouldn’t be praising God for life, for what He has done for me, and just the fact that i lead a really privileged life.