Author Archives: Jen

About Jen

Jen isn't quite sure when she lost her mind, but it is probably documented here on Meditatio. She blogs because the world needs her snark at all hours of the night... and she probably can't sleep anyway.

Kneeling at the Altar

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Now that I’ve finished Inheritance by Christopher Paolini, I’m reading Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren Winner. In it, she posits a series of reflections on life when you’re in that spot where God is absent and prayer is just impossible. At the time she wrote the book, her mother had died three weeks before she married her (now former) husband and after five years of marriage, she reaches the point at which she can’t continue it because she’s miserable and is making her husband miserable.

It’s an *interesting* read as all of her books; but it’s being really emotionally painful for me to read because I can see myself in her. I read the same fiction she does (which is almost all based in North Carolina) and I’m in a perpetual “middle” in terms of faith. It’s not to say that my faith is gone but instead to say that I’m at a point right now where I frequently see and feel silence from God when I pray.

The hardest reflection to read thus far has been “healing prayer” in which she describes going up after receiving communion for healing prayer. She talks about how she would love to be able to do it one day but at that moment, she can only kneel at the rail and cry with the priest’s warm hands holding hers. I was reading it yesterday while I was eating lunch and I had to choke back tears while eating my teryaki chicken and take some deep breaths to calm myself. Why the tears? It was because I have the same memory.

In 2007, we had a mentally unbalanced parishioner stalking me and I finally wrote her a letter telling her to leave me alone or I would take out a restraining order against her. She whined to anyone who would listen about how I threatened to sue her and OMG-THE-HEART-PROBLEMS-THIS-WAS-CAUSING-HER!!!!! (Did I mention that she was also a pathological liar?) Of course, people believed her instead of me. The sheep hit the fan during Holy Week 2008 (because if anything is going to go wrong in a clergy family, it will be during Holy Week) and after being chewed out confronted by a few parishioners, I decided that it would be better if I took a Sunday off from being a pastor’s wife and being a Lutheran. I needed to go down to Great Falls for some errands so I went to go and bond with my aunt and uncle who lived down there and attended the Episcopal church in town the next morning.

For those new to my blog, I came to faith in the Episcopal church and it’s where I go (or at least wish I could go) when I’m really having problems with my faith or in my life. The liturgy was wonderful that Sunday and after the Eucharist, people were invited to come up for healing prayer. I went up for it and was moved to tears as I knelt at the communion rail and Father Tim clasped his hands around mine to pray for me. I don’t know why but it moves me to tears when people lay hands and pray for me. It might be that I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable, it might be the Spirit within me interceding because I have to words, or it could just be that I understand the power of what is going on.

I went back to Incarnation several times after on Sunday mornings and then to the noon Eucharists on Wednesdays after Daniel was born because it was the only way I would be able to attend church due to his care schedule in the NICU. Father Tim came to see me in the hospital in Great Falls and I feel horrible because I have no memory of it. (I was on some seriously heavy medications at the time to arrest the preeclampsia so it’s not surprising.) Reading what Lauren had to say brought back the memory of the incredible need I had for someone to pray for me during those times when I just could not pray for myself.

It’s been almost two years since we moved from Montana to California and almost three years since I’ve attended Incarnation. I am in such a different place today than I was back then and looking back, I can see the horrific depression I pushed through during that time. My life is so different today: a parish that loves my family, people who support Jon, and my parents nearby. Still, I am comforted by the thought that there are Episcopal parishes out there with people who will hold my hands as I kneel at the altar needing prayers for healing.

We Are Dysfunctional Voters

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Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson had the following to say as part of a collection of opinions entitled “If I Were President…” that appeared in the New York Times. I saw his response on Twitter yesterday and thought it needed to be shared as it identifies the problem we as a country have with politics.

The question, ??If I were President I??d???? implies that if you swap out one leader, put in another, then all will be well with America??as though our leaders are the cause of all ailments.

That must be why we??ve created a tradition of rampant attacks on our politicians. Are they too conservative for you? Too liberal? Too religious? Too atheist? Too gay? Too anti-gay? Too rich? Too dumb? Too smart? Too ethnic? Too philanderous? Curious behavior, given that we elect 88% of Congress every two years.

A second tradition-in-progress is the expectation that everyone else in our culturally pluralistic land should hold exactly your own outlook, on all issues.

When you??re scientifically literate, the world looks different to you. It??s a particular way of questioning what you see and hear. When empowered by this state of mind, objective realities matter. These are the truths of the world that exist outside of whatever your belief system tells you.

One objective reality is that our government doesn??t work, not because we have dysfunctional politicians, but because we have dysfunctional voters. As a scientist and educator, my goal, then, is not to become President and lead a dysfunctional electorate, but to enlighten the electorate so they might choose the right leaders in the first place.

(Source: Hayden Planetarium website)

Exemptions Not Enough for Some

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This evening, I saw on my Facebook page that President Obama and HHS Secretary Sebelius had announced religious exemptions to the HHS mandate for insurance companies to cover birth control. There had been a petition on the White House website (which was a pain to login to and sign) asking for the mandate to be rescinded and there were lawsuits from Belmont Abbey and Colorado Christian College. In response to those, the administration threw religious organizations a bone and announced the exemptions.

Apparently, this isn’t enough for the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. They’ve issued a statement nitpicking the announcement from the White House. I found this out after one of the people on Quick Takes (who is remaining nameless because I’d rather pull my fingernails out than give her or her minions blog traffic) left the following snippy comment on my blog:

I don’t know why you’ve been going around to Catholic blogs and posting false information, but the religious exemption in the HHS mandate is worthless.

Um yeah… way to be civil, princess. It’s the kind of thing (coupled with the fact that you’ve proven yourself incapable of actually having a civil discussion on your blog) that gets you I.P. banned. *sigh* I’ve really missed playing with my *.htaccess file lately.

For the record, the exemptions to the mandate are not worthless — they’re on par with the religious exemptions provided for military service and social security. Quakers are conscientious objectors and yet they still pay taxes that support the U.S. military. Some Anabaptist groups consider Social Security to be akin to gambling (no, I am not making this up) and they can opt out of contributing to it even though their taxes are paying other peoples’ Social Security.

I’m sorry but the Roman Catholic Church is not that special. If we are to provide healthcare to everyone (which they should really be in favor of doing considering their history of charity), Catholics are going to have to bite the bullet on this one and pay. As it stands as of today, churches do not have to pay their insurers to cover contraception. For example, I’m a pastor’s wife and my denomination has the right not to pay our insurer to cover my birth control pills. (Oh yeah… gonna get hate mail for that one.) I know that it doesn’t exempt Catholic hospitals but it would exempt Catholic colleges if all their staff members are Catholic. For Evangelical schools, it works because all staff and professors have to sign a faith statement.

And for the love of all things holy, would people please stop acting like this is a Catholic pogrom? Nobody is being jailed, beaten, executed, or thrown to the lions over this issue. If you want to talk about persecution, talk to Christians in places like China, Iran, Pakistan, Nigeria, Egypt, and Malaysia. You guys aren’t losing your 501(c)3 funding for telling your members not to vote a certain way by denying them the Eucharist (which is a violation of that particular I.R.S. statute). You get to keep the seal of Confession — every other clergy person has to report it if someone tells us that they’ve harmed themselves or others. In other words, you have a lot of religious freedoms that others don’t get to have. Going off about how this is a Catholic persecution gives the impression that y’all are whiny and will not play ball unless things are exactly YOUR way. I can tell you straight up that it does not leave a good taste in peoples’ mouths.

Oh yeah, comments are disabled on this post and any comments placed on other posts referencing this one will be deleted. This is one of those things that is my opinion and is not negotiable.

7 Quick Takes — Coughs, Books, and Women’s Health Politics

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7 Quick Takes

Dude… everyone and their mother did Quick Takes last week! It took me DAYS to get through all the entries with me reading 40 entries a day. It was good to see some new people as well as some who haven’t participated for awhile.

— 1 —

I finally went to see the doctor about the cough that has been lingering from my MUTANT DEATH COLD at Thanksgiving. I ended up seeing Dr. Passive Aggressive and his thought was that it was probably a side effect of the Lisinopril (my blood pressure medication — I am the phenotypical embodiment of every negative gene on both sides of the family). He switched me to another one (whose name I can’t remember and should learn in the event that I end up in the E.R.), put me on Doxycycline to nuke any potential bronchitis as bronchitis and asthma don’t mix well (apparently, I actually looked like I was sick because of the sleep deprivation), and gave me a lab slip which I’ll deal with next week when I’m not binging on cough drops. (That whole fasting from midnight onward doesn’t work when you require cough drops to numb your throat so that maybe you can sleep.) I am also having to sleep in the recliner because I have coughing spasms when I lie down. OK… end of whining about this particular thing.

— 2 —

I finally finished Inheritance by Christopher Paolini. The siege of Galbatorix’ capital and the fight between him and Eragon is maddening to read because it feels like it stalls but it was good. The chapters after the demise of Galbatorix kind of drag because you want things decided and wrapped up quickly. (OK… spoiler there but seriously, the book’s ending is going to suck if Eragon doesn’t win.) Still, it was a wonderful read and I will be downloading the other three books onto my NOOK so that one fine day, I can read all four in order.

— 3 —

I guest-posted on A Day in the Life this week. Emily put out the invitation for the married ladies (and single ones too if they had anything to say on the subject) to do a guest post on the subject of our vocations as wives. It’s kind of scary that I’m probably the oldest contributor and I’m only 31 (32 in May)! Do some women who have been married longer than I have (10 years in March) have anything to add? If you do, please talk to Emily.

— 4 —

The home visit portion of ABA training is tomorrow (Friday) morning at 11:00. I’m having an attack of “OMG-I-suck-as-a-mother-because-Daniel-doesn’t-fit-into-this-little-box” flipping out because I’m not getting exactly three seconds of eye contact and OMG Daniel isn’t at 100% for putting on his shirt (the skill I’m teaching for it). My mom talked me off the ledge on Tuesday night and explained that none of this means that I’m a loser mother and that they do understand that kids (especially autistic ones) do not perform on command. The whole reason I’m flipping out is that Friday’s visit determines whether or not we receive services for Daniel through the Regional Center.

**UPDATE** We passed with flying colors. The person doing the home visit was impressed with the work I’d done with Daniel and with his skill level. This is one more check off my list as I trudge toward March 26th and his IEP.

— 5 —

I signed the petition to have the HHS mandate rescinded. I know that my pro-choice friends probably think I’m traitorous for doing so but… while I support the idea that health plans need to provide access to birth control that isn’t prohibitively expensive, I also believe that there should be a way for those whose conscience is violated by this to opt out. It’s not just THE CATHOLICS but also Jews and some conservative Protestant groups. If President Obama or Secretary Sebelius could come up with a way to do this, the firestorm would probably die down. I think their idea is good in theory (my birth control pills are mitigating out the PMS that can land me in bed for a week out of the month) but they failed to take the faith issue into account.

I also wanted to share this piece that was written by my favorite KU med student Katie of NFP and Me. Katie, thanks for letting your combox be taken over for discussions.

— 6 —

My new laptop arrived today (Thursday). It was worth being woken up from my nap to answer the door. I’m glad it’s here so that I don’t have to keep harassing the Fed Ex drivers that stop on my block. It’s an HP dvt6 and I’ll be transferring stuff over this weekend after I can get myself to Best Buy to get a migration cable. In the tradition of naming my personal electronics after titles for Orthodox priests’ wives, this one will be “Presbytera” which is the Greek Orthodox title. (My iPod is “Panimatushka” and my NOOK is “Popadija”.)

— 7 —

Given that my homeboys (the 49’ers) got knocked out by the Giants last week, I think I’ll be rooting for New England this weekend. I’m not a football person and I don’t understand how the game works. However, the 49’ers game the weekend before last was excellent (and I actually watched it) so I might watch the Super Bowl to see if it’s even close. Of course, there’s the most important thing: THE COMMERCIALS!!!!!

For more Quick Takes, visit Hallie at Betty Beguiles who is graciously taking over hosting for the next few weeks.

Susan G. Komen and Planned Parenthood

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For those who haven’t heard, Susan G. Komen stopped giving funding to Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood does provide breast exams and referrals for mammograms so this is a blow for them.

I have absolutely no opinion on this matter at all so I’m going to give my friends who are pro-choice the same advice as I give my pro-life friends with regard to Planned Parenthood: put your money where your mouth is. Just as I tell my pro-life friends to donate to crisis pregnancy centers and community health clinics to eliminate the need for Planned Parenthood, I’m going to tell my pro-choice friends that Planned Parenthood is already dealing with this situation and is asking for donations to continue breast care services. Donating to them is a proactive way to deal with the situation — kvetching about “those evil pro-life freaks” is not.

The Simple Woman’s Daybook: January 30, 2012

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Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY January 30, 2012

Outside my window… dusk. It was in the 50’s or 60’s today, I think. It was shirt-sleeve weather at least.

I am thinking… about ABA stuff for this Friday.

I am thankful… for the weekend with my mom in San Jose and that Daniel responded so well to her working with him.

In the kitchen… Crystal Light Peach Tea. (Haven’t figured out dinner yet.)

I am wearing… charcoal grey shirt from Lady Foot Locker and navy sweats.

I am creating… this entry.

I am going… nowhere until Wednesday if I have any say in the matter.

I am wondering… if the stuff my doctor gave me this morning will stop the lingering cough from the Mutant Death Cold that I had at Thanksgiving (and that landed Daniel in the hospital). His theory is that my blood pressure medication (Lisinopril) is likely causing it but put me on an antibiotic (Doxycycline) because I’m asthmatic and he’s afraid of bronchitis sprouting in me.

I am reading… Inheritance by Christopher Paolini. I’m probably within 30 pages of the end but I don’t get much quiet reading time and didn’t finish it at lunch today.

I am hoping… I sleep tonight. I haven’t really gotten any sleep for a week and it made the power outage this morning throw me for a loop. (A transformer blew a few blocks away and 1300 people lost power. The weird thing is that those across the street didn’t and I don’t think my next door neighbors did.)

I am looking forward to… Ladies’ Night Out on Wednesday as well as “Hart of Dixie” on TV tonight.

Around the house… Jon cleaned while I was gone this weekend. I’m thankful for this.

I am pondering… waaaaay too many things right now.

One of my favorite things… pesto bagels with garlic shmear from the bagel shop near my parents’ house. Unfortunately, I didn’t make it over there on Sunday before they closed. Rats!

A few plans for the rest of the week: PT tomorrow, speech and Ladies’ Night Out on Wednesday, OT on Thursday, and the ABA home visit along with my massage on Friday. Jon also has a couple funerals this week.

A peek into my day… This is Trail Kitty, my parents’ sissy Maine Coon cat. He’s a handsome boy but is afraid of his own (raccoon) tail. I got some petting time with him this weekend before he took off for his loft in the garage.

Trail Kitty, my parents' sissy Maine Coon Cat.

Hosted by The Simple Woman’s Daybook