The events of the last few days have reminded me of some words from Isaiah:

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it will not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.” (Isaiah 55:8-11)

In other words, our will is not automatically that of the Lord and we need to be cogniscent of that. For the last week I had been praying for D to survive and recover and my prayers shifted when I discerned that God’s will was not that he survive. The decision is probably going to be made today about taking the breathing tube out and decreasing the meds keeping him alive. Those are artificial things, which means that he’s not really himself and God’s will seems to be that he lay down his sword and rest instead of keeping up the fight.

I slept fitfully last night and the tears I was fighting back yesterday finally flowed this morning during my blog-reading and prayer time. (My devotions are situated in the middle of my blogroll so that they are part of my wake-up ritual.) I was listening to “There Is Love” by Paul Stookey and I can’t think of a better place than in my study with a soft and furry stressball next to me to pet. I also got a little weepy when Jon and I went out to run errands today. I’ve sat with D’s family, held their hands, hugged them (which I think shocked G when I asked him if I could hug him), prayed with them,… I can’t help but be emotionally involved. We gave the news to the head of the Licking County Center for the Visually Impaired today (as D and F are his volunteers) and it was brutal. We prayed with him and we hugged. (It shocks me at how anti-hug Ohio is. *EVERYONE* hugs in California.) I’m gonna be OK once D let’s go and goes home to be with his Father; but the prolonging is tough.

I realized today that there *IS* a reason why I’ve been unemployed for so long — it frees me up to do the Lord’s work. I would have felt bad about not being able to be there for Jon (not to mention possibly being stranded at work) if I had been working during this time. It has also allowed me to get to know D’s family who are really cool.

Precious Lord, take my hand
Lead me on, help me stand
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn…

Yesterday as Jon and I were driving around Cols visiting members in the hospital, we realized that we weren’t going to be able to visit D. He had been doing well on Friday and so we headed back to Newark for VBS, planning to visit him today.

Well… when we got there, we found that he had taken a serious turn for the worse. His heart had stopped on Friday night and there was extensive brain damage from a lack of oxygen. Jon and I were the ones sitting with the family when a no-code order (basically, if D’s heart stops, we say “yes Lord” and don’t try to resuscitate him) was issued by the doctor with the family’s blessing. In other words, we were needed TODAY. We ended up hanging out at the hospital for 7 hours and sitting with the family in ICU for much of it. When I wasn’t in the ICU, I was watching the grandkids so G and his wife could sit vigil with F in the ICU.

I seriously have no idea how I have gotten through this other than prayer, blogging, and singing along with my hymn CD’s when I get home. I am the world’s biggest sap and yet I’ve managed to stay stoic. I prayed constantly for D, for his wife F, and for their son G today when I was sitting in ICU. I got some quiet time in this morning which helped tremendously and I made sure to eat three meals, albeit small ones so that I wasn’t bitchy and hypoglycemic like I was yesterday.

I’m tired, headachy, dehydrated (from driving in the 90F heat), and grieving. It’s strange because I don’t recall having ever said more than 5 words to D in the 11 months we’ve been here; but he is part of the church family at Jon’s internship site and as the khouria and vicarette, it’s my job to take care of the members of the family and love them. D and his family are members of the church, so it’s part of my vicarette duties to take care of them in any way I can. I think once D goes home to his Heavenly Father, there can be a funeral and there can be closure for me. I just wish it was that simple for his family and my heart and prayers are going out to them right now. He was OK 10 days ago and now, he’s almost braindead. The surgeon even said that the fact that D has survived so long with everything is a miracle. I can’t even begin to imagine how F, his wife of 53 years, or G, their son, are feeling right now and I probably will never understand it fully.

Right now, my prayer is that D lets go and that his family can cope with his death. He is really at the point where it’s just the meds and machines keeping him alive and prolonging his life is really just for the family, and not for his benefit. I know that it’s completely not what I’ve been praying for in the last week, but it’s what is needed. Not my will Lord; but Thine be done.

Pray for all of us.

Precious Lord, take my hand…

How my faith has changed in the last week:

Chris commented yesterday that after several hard days and hard posts from [me], [he] was strangely relieved to just see a Friday Five on mundane stuff like hair. Believe me, those posts have been part of the reason I’ve survived this week. It’s been healing to be able to blog out my feelings on things and just write about things. The other way I’ve been surviving is singing along to my various hymn CD’s while working on my computer at home. “My Life Flows on in Endless Song” is doing more for me right now than “Shout to the Lord”. (I just wish that the arrangement of the former wasn’t instrumental so that I could have some words to post. Ah well… I’ll get it off of Cyberhymnal later.)

Some wisdom from this week:

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. ”
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if i go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. you know the way to the place where I am going.”
-John 14:1-4

“For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”
-John 3:16-17

“I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes–I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!”
-Job 19:25-27

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
-Matthew 6:33-34