One of the blessings of doing the Quick Takes every week is that I’ve made friends with some amazing Catholic young women. Today, I’ve got a guest post over at Catholic Newlywed in which I talk about marrying at 21 and the almost 10 years of marriage that have happened since.
Category Archives: Daily Life
Giving Up Anxiety for Lent
I read some more of Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren Winner and the two chapters/reflections that touched me were the ones on anxiety.
In one, she talks about checking obsessively to make sure her driver’s license is there when she’s on the road to the airport as well as worrying about if she’s turned off the stove and envisions her house burning down. I don’t have those particular two fears but I obsess about whether I locked the car door frequently and I’ve been known to worry about things happening in the future. She talks about her friend suggesting that she give up anxiety for Lent. Her friend’s wife asked if she was going to have a major panic attack come Easter if she does this.
In another, she talks about her friend suggesting that she give up anxiety for Lent. She finds a prayer in the Book of Common Prayer that helps her out with this and another friend tells her about distancing herself from an emotion for 15 minutes. All are good and she also talks about her experience with medication. She spoke of her experiences coming off of the medication (which are eerily familiar to my experiences with them trying to get me off of Effexor XR when I was pregnant).
This book (again) has been an interesting read for me just because I’ve been through a lot of the things she discusses. Even though I haven’t divorced Jon and my parents are still alive, I’ve dealt with crushing anxiety in my life and I can understand her reactions, even if they haven’t been mine. The physical toll of my anxiety are the weakening of my (already crappy) immune system and migraines. In her case, it was tingling in her joints. I’ve had severe panic attacks but none all that publicly.
I will be interested to see what the rest of the book has in store for me.
And no, giving up anxiety for Lent is not on the agenda.
Diary of Five: February 9, 2012
I am seeing… a table that needs to be cleaned and organized.
I am hearing… “Winnie the Pooh” on the DVD player. Daniel is asleep now so I could probably turn it off.
I am smelling… nothing at the moment.
I tasted… peach tea a bit ago.
I am feeling… achy. Gotta love fibromyalgia!
Hosted by Diary of Five.
The Simple Woman’s Daybook: February 6, 2012
FOR TODAY February 6, 2012
Outside my window… cloudy and chilly (at least to me). We might get some showers which would be great because we need the rain but not so great because it might cancel PT tomorrow.
I am thinking… that there has to be a middle ground between keeping one’s mouth shut so as not to offend anyone and this which is rage-filled yelling.
I am thankful… for my massage last Friday.
In the kitchen… Jon cooked up a ton of stuff for himself for the Super Bowl yesterday.
I am wearing… my preeclampsia survivor shirt and capri sweats.
I am creating… this entry. 🙂
I am going… to Bible study tonight. It’s Men’s Night Out so I’ll be taking Daniel with me. The ladies love him so it should be OK.
I am wondering… when my stomach will calm down. Evil antibiotics! (I can hear my mom’s voice telling me to start eating some yogurt to build my intestinal flora back up.)
I am reading… Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren Winner. It’s a bit of a tough read because I can identify with many of the things she says even if I’m not in the same circumstances.
I am hoping… we do end up having PT tomorrow — it’s been two weeks since Daniel’s last session.
Around the house… next question!
I am pondering… my Quick Takes for this week.
A favorite quote for today… “An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason.” — C.S. Lewis
One of my favorite things… my new laptop. 🙂
A few plans for the rest of the week: PT tomorrow, speech on Wednesday, OT on Thursday, and nothing on Friday.
A peek into my day… Someone likes his bottom shelves of our bookcases.
Hosted by The Simple Woman’s Daybook
Kneeling at the Altar
Now that I’ve finished Inheritance by Christopher Paolini, I’m reading Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren Winner. In it, she posits a series of reflections on life when you’re in that spot where God is absent and prayer is just impossible. At the time she wrote the book, her mother had died three weeks before she married her (now former) husband and after five years of marriage, she reaches the point at which she can’t continue it because she’s miserable and is making her husband miserable.
It’s an *interesting* read as all of her books; but it’s being really emotionally painful for me to read because I can see myself in her. I read the same fiction she does (which is almost all based in North Carolina) and I’m in a perpetual “middle” in terms of faith. It’s not to say that my faith is gone but instead to say that I’m at a point right now where I frequently see and feel silence from God when I pray.
The hardest reflection to read thus far has been “healing prayer” in which she describes going up after receiving communion for healing prayer. She talks about how she would love to be able to do it one day but at that moment, she can only kneel at the rail and cry with the priest’s warm hands holding hers. I was reading it yesterday while I was eating lunch and I had to choke back tears while eating my teryaki chicken and take some deep breaths to calm myself. Why the tears? It was because I have the same memory.
In 2007, we had a mentally unbalanced parishioner stalking me and I finally wrote her a letter telling her to leave me alone or I would take out a restraining order against her. She whined to anyone who would listen about how I threatened to sue her and OMG-THE-HEART-PROBLEMS-THIS-WAS-CAUSING-HER!!!!! (Did I mention that she was also a pathological liar?) Of course, people believed her instead of me. The sheep hit the fan during Holy Week 2008 (because if anything is going to go wrong in a clergy family, it will be during Holy Week) and after being chewed out confronted by a few parishioners, I decided that it would be better if I took a Sunday off from being a pastor’s wife and being a Lutheran. I needed to go down to Great Falls for some errands so I went to go and bond with my aunt and uncle who lived down there and attended the Episcopal church in town the next morning.
For those new to my blog, I came to faith in the Episcopal church and it’s where I go (or at least wish I could go) when I’m really having problems with my faith or in my life. The liturgy was wonderful that Sunday and after the Eucharist, people were invited to come up for healing prayer. I went up for it and was moved to tears as I knelt at the communion rail and Father Tim clasped his hands around mine to pray for me. I don’t know why but it moves me to tears when people lay hands and pray for me. It might be that I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable, it might be the Spirit within me interceding because I have to words, or it could just be that I understand the power of what is going on.
I went back to Incarnation several times after on Sunday mornings and then to the noon Eucharists on Wednesdays after Daniel was born because it was the only way I would be able to attend church due to his care schedule in the NICU. Father Tim came to see me in the hospital in Great Falls and I feel horrible because I have no memory of it. (I was on some seriously heavy medications at the time to arrest the preeclampsia so it’s not surprising.) Reading what Lauren had to say brought back the memory of the incredible need I had for someone to pray for me during those times when I just could not pray for myself.
It’s been almost two years since we moved from Montana to California and almost three years since I’ve attended Incarnation. I am in such a different place today than I was back then and looking back, I can see the horrific depression I pushed through during that time. My life is so different today: a parish that loves my family, people who support Jon, and my parents nearby. Still, I am comforted by the thought that there are Episcopal parishes out there with people who will hold my hands as I kneel at the altar needing prayers for healing.
7 Quick Takes — Coughs, Books, and Women’s Health Politics
Dude… everyone and their mother did Quick Takes last week! It took me DAYS to get through all the entries with me reading 40 entries a day. It was good to see some new people as well as some who haven’t participated for awhile.
I finally went to see the doctor about the cough that has been lingering from my MUTANT DEATH COLD at Thanksgiving. I ended up seeing Dr. Passive Aggressive and his thought was that it was probably a side effect of the Lisinopril (my blood pressure medication — I am the phenotypical embodiment of every negative gene on both sides of the family). He switched me to another one (whose name I can’t remember and should learn in the event that I end up in the E.R.), put me on Doxycycline to nuke any potential bronchitis as bronchitis and asthma don’t mix well (apparently, I actually looked like I was sick because of the sleep deprivation), and gave me a lab slip which I’ll deal with next week when I’m not binging on cough drops. (That whole fasting from midnight onward doesn’t work when you require cough drops to numb your throat so that maybe you can sleep.) I am also having to sleep in the recliner because I have coughing spasms when I lie down. OK… end of whining about this particular thing.
I finally finished Inheritance by Christopher Paolini. The siege of Galbatorix’ capital and the fight between him and Eragon is maddening to read because it feels like it stalls but it was good. The chapters after the demise of Galbatorix kind of drag because you want things decided and wrapped up quickly. (OK… spoiler there but seriously, the book’s ending is going to suck if Eragon doesn’t win.) Still, it was a wonderful read and I will be downloading the other three books onto my NOOK so that one fine day, I can read all four in order.
I guest-posted on A Day in the Life this week. Emily put out the invitation for the married ladies (and single ones too if they had anything to say on the subject) to do a guest post on the subject of our vocations as wives. It’s kind of scary that I’m probably the oldest contributor and I’m only 31 (32 in May)! Do some women who have been married longer than I have (10 years in March) have anything to add? If you do, please talk to Emily.
The home visit portion of ABA training is tomorrow (Friday) morning at 11:00. I’m having an attack of “OMG-I-suck-as-a-mother-because-Daniel-doesn’t-fit-into-this-little-box” flipping out because I’m not getting exactly three seconds of eye contact and OMG Daniel isn’t at 100% for putting on his shirt (the skill I’m teaching for it). My mom talked me off the ledge on Tuesday night and explained that none of this means that I’m a loser mother and that they do understand that kids (especially autistic ones) do not perform on command. The whole reason I’m flipping out is that Friday’s visit determines whether or not we receive services for Daniel through the Regional Center.
**UPDATE** We passed with flying colors. The person doing the home visit was impressed with the work I’d done with Daniel and with his skill level. This is one more check off my list as I trudge toward March 26th and his IEP.
I signed the petition to have the HHS mandate rescinded. I know that my pro-choice friends probably think I’m traitorous for doing so but… while I support the idea that health plans need to provide access to birth control that isn’t prohibitively expensive, I also believe that there should be a way for those whose conscience is violated by this to opt out. It’s not just THE CATHOLICS but also Jews and some conservative Protestant groups. If President Obama or Secretary Sebelius could come up with a way to do this, the firestorm would probably die down. I think their idea is good in theory (my birth control pills are mitigating out the PMS that can land me in bed for a week out of the month) but they failed to take the faith issue into account.
I also wanted to share this piece that was written by my favorite KU med student Katie of NFP and Me. Katie, thanks for letting your combox be taken over for discussions.
My new laptop arrived today (Thursday). It was worth being woken up from my nap to answer the door. I’m glad it’s here so that I don’t have to keep harassing the Fed Ex drivers that stop on my block. It’s an HP dvt6 and I’ll be transferring stuff over this weekend after I can get myself to Best Buy to get a migration cable. In the tradition of naming my personal electronics after titles for Orthodox priests’ wives, this one will be “Presbytera” which is the Greek Orthodox title. (My iPod is “Panimatushka” and my NOOK is “Popadija”.)
Given that my homeboys (the 49’ers) got knocked out by the Giants last week, I think I’ll be rooting for New England this weekend. I’m not a football person and I don’t understand how the game works. However, the 49’ers game the weekend before last was excellent (and I actually watched it) so I might watch the Super Bowl to see if it’s even close. Of course, there’s the most important thing: THE COMMERCIALS!!!!!
For more Quick Takes, visit Hallie at Betty Beguiles who is graciously taking over hosting for the next few weeks.
Guest Post on Vocation
I’m over at A Day in the Life today talking about my vocation as a wife and mother.