Warning: Jen is venting. Take my words in light of this last sentence. Thank you!

People like this irritate me. It’s nice that depression doesn’t happen to Christians in their little sterile fundamentalist college world; but in the real world, it does and it irritates me every time I get to listen to someone tell me that if I only had hope in God, my depression would magically disappear. Ahem… King David suffered from depression and he had hope — read the Psalms. At least 1/3 of them are not happy in the least.

The five years before I was formally diagnosed were incredibly difficult. I was suicidal, had problems dealing with stress, had times when I couldn’t stop crying, and got diagnosed only because my threshold for stress had broken and it was affecting my life. Fall 1999 was one of the toughest times in my life and I remember times when I couldn’t stop crying and nights when I tossed and turned, keeping my roommate awake. The meds helped to take the edge off so that I could eventually start dealing with things in therapy; but I still had occasional weeks where I couldn’t stop crying. It’s been almost two years since I ceased medication and therapy and I’ve been fine; but it was during that time that I learned the necessary coping skills to deal with living with depression and PTSD daily.

The thing that aggravates me the most is that this person talks about all of my suffering as a consequence of responding unbiblically. Uh yeah… so I’m basically supposed to lie and pretend to be all happy when inwardly I want to crawl into a hole and die??? I believe that acting that way is sinful because we’re attempting to deceive God, ourselves, and others by making it appear that we are doing well when we aren’t. *THAT* is unbiblical and it denies God the chance to grow us. I found that my tears were a better (and more healing) witness than pretending all waa good and I found that the Lord worked more strongly through the times when I admitted my pain than He did during the times before my diagnosis when I was trying to pretend that everything was all right.

I will admit that I think doctors overprescribe anti-depressants and people use them as happy pills. Depression is something that many people live with daily; but some don’t really need the medication and use it to escape their problems. This is why I think treatment should be a holistic thing: treat the mind, the body, and the spirit. Medication, perhaps a change in diet or exercise, counselling, and (if it is appropriate) something devotional would be a thought. I’m not currently on meds or in therapy; but I also do things to control my depression such as pray, meditate, keep my stress level down (or at least try), blog, go for walks, make sure I get enough sleep, make sure my diet is balanced, and pet my cats. (The last one lowers my blood pressure and is calming. It works. Trust me.)

OK… Jen is getting off her soapbox and curling up with her fluffball now…

CHRIST IS RISEN!!!!!!!
The Lord is Risen indeed! Alleluia

For my reflections on the Triduum, see my blogs4God spiel on it.

Holy Week is a *BIG* week for liturgically-minded Christians and is part of the reason why I love Lent so much. I missed Palm Sunday worship and actually regret this because it’s an ecumenical procession at St. Paul’s and (like everything else worship-related) is a HUGE deal. I thankfully did make it to Maundy Thursday though I didn’t go up for the foot-washing. My evil cold was awful that night and I did spend quite a bit of time in the sacristy coughing up a lung, but thankfully we had stations for communion and intinction was an option. Our choir anthem was fantastic and I made it through our practice afterward.

Good Friday was the Tres Oras service at noon and my choir had the first four “words”. (You do a hymn, a reading, a part of LBW Hymn 112 [“Jesus in Thy Dying Woes”], a sermon, an anthem, and a prayer for each of the 7 last “words” of Jesus. A “word” is a saying from the Cross. Each segment is 25 minutes and the service is 3 hours long.) I made it through the words for the most part, though I did have to leave and cough up a lung occasionally. The Episcopal rector co-presided and preached the first sermon which was GOOD. The fourth one was the UCC pastor in town and he also did well because his sermon was personable and down to earth. Our music was fabulous and really captured the whole “mourning” theme. I was also exposed to some of the Easter lilies which added nasal congestion on to what I was suffering. I cam home and went to sleep as the Coridicin HBP I’d taken was making me dopey, and I slept through the Tenebrae service (in this case, a dramatic reading of John’s Gospel) that night.

We had nothing for Holy Saturday (mostly because we have a Sunrise Service and full music for the 8:00 service); but Sunday morning was glorious. I was still dealing with my cold (though doing better) and I made it through each service OK as I had my inhaler, a SlugMug of water, and cough drops with me in the pew. The music went well and we had organ with full brass for most of it. After the 8:00 service, the choir people got the remnants of Easter Breakfast and I had some time to chill. We went and spent lunch and most of the afternoon with a family from the church who had also adopted us for Thanksgiving.

You’ve also probably noticed the new layout which is a sunrise one for Easter. The layout is called “Christos aneste!” and the sunrise is because the resurrection was discovered at sunrise on the third day.

I had two job interviews today: one at Sears and one at a local nursery. The Sears one went really well (I thought). The mursery job (which was the one I wanted) might have been good… if we’d been able to find the place. There was no sign and no place at that address — or at least no sign or driveway. I left a message with them when I got home and I’m going to hope they call tomorrow. I really wanted the interview and job, so I’m pretty frustrated right now.

I only told Leenie and my mother-in-law that I was going to do this.

I took my written test for my driver’s license this morning and…

I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!! I got a 94% on the Ohio test. This is so nice considering I all out failed the California test twice.

Now to learn how to do the physical part of driving… (And yes I know that it is pathetic that I am almost 23 and have just gotten my permit.)

Our leaves from last fall are still sitting on the lawn. Someone from our church (who has to do a certain amount of community service for his program) came over and got the stuff raked up that was blowing in our neighbors’ yard. I’m going to go out and tackle it this afternoon but I’m trying to figure out how to do it without upsetting my asthma. (My EVIL insurance company is *not* going to cover an ER visit for asthma — I can put money on that.)

This morning, a couple with whom we sat last night at the wedding reception gave us roses. I seriously almost cried — they are such wonderful people. We were prayed for during the service and during the peace, people started congratulating us. I talked to both sets of parents who called to say “Happy Anniversary” and Jon and I stayed in and chilled this afternoon and evening. We are both exhausted from Saturday and this morning, so it’s been a really quiet evening.

We just watched the wedding video and I could see the points at which I was almost in tears while reciting my vows. I am such a sap! (Jon was in the same position, so I wasn’t the only one but still…) It’s amazing to me that it’s been a year!

Mean Dean offered to let me have the Sunday sermonette (well… after I begged politely) so you can read my reflections on this day here.

Bedtime for me! (My bengal tiger cub is rebuking me for still being up. CATS!!!!)

Last night, Jon and I attended the rehearsal dinner of a couple that is being married this afternoon at the church. I went basically to sit in on a meeting in Jon’s place but ended up staying for all of dinner. Then, as I was lurking around the rehearsal, the bride begged me to be the wedding coordinator and make sure the wedding party can get into the church at the right time. My response: “Ummmm… sure.”

This afternoon, I checked in with the bride and her mother and let them know where I was in case anybody needed anything. A few minutes later, the bride and her mother showed up at my door apologizing profusely because I had been left off the guest list for the reception… which I actually wasn’t even supposed to be on in the first place. (Jon was invited because he’s clergy but I don’t think he was planning to attend because he’d be coming home to me.) I told them not to worry and I’d check with Jon to see what his plans were and sent them off to finish getting ready.

The irony of all of this: my (1st) wedding anniversary is tomorrow. 🙂 A year ago, *I* was going through all of this. My mother is going to laugh when she hears this.