Category Archives: Faith

Pensive Jen

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I’m not depressed — just really pensive about some things and this song describes how I’m feeling in a lot of ways.

Well, sometimes my life just donâ????t make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, â??˜cause Iâ????m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Wonâ????t You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
Itâ????s so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, â??˜cause Iâ????m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Wonâ????t You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender donâ????t come natural to me
Iâ????d rather fight You for something I donâ????t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And Iâ????ve beat my head against so many walls
Now Iâ????m falling down, Iâ????m falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

Iâ????m singing hold me Jesus, â??˜cause Iâ????m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Wonâ????t You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory
Wonâ????t You be my Prince of Peace
â????”Hold Me Jesusâ??? by Rich Mullins

Restlessness

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I’m finally getting over this blasted sinus infection. I probably would have been over it sooner if I’d actually called my P.A. and gotten antibiotics instead of being balled up under the covers moaning when Jon got home on Wednesday from the football game. I’m also hyper-reactive to the decongestant prescribed as well so I had to refuse it at the pharmacy and am having to go with natural methods (nasal washes, hot showers,…)

Yesterday, I slept probably 14 hours almost straight — a sign that my body is fighting off something nasty. Because of this, my sleep schedule is off and my activity schedule is skewed. There is laundry that needs to be sorted and folded (it’s actually exploding out of laundry baskets). There are clothes that need to be washed. There are leaves that need to be raked. There is curriculum that needs to be written. I need to be job-hunting. My study needs to be unpacked (and should have been months ago). The problem: my energy level is so low from sleeping and fighting off this bug. I also want to go for a walk, darn it!

I’m also feeling spiritually restless. I’m doing my morning devotional reading and praying at night. There’s a part of me that wishes that I was having profound theological thoughts or coming up with brilliantly meditative entries. There’s a part of me that would post any spiritual thought that comes, but so much of that is still very personal to me and I don’t want just anyone to read my spiritual musings. (I know… I’ve been blogging for four years and I’m still leery of people reading my personal thoughts.) I’m not as able to be transparent as I used to be, partly because I guess I’m more self-conscious of what people think of me. This is not really a good thing because blogging is frequently how I work out all the mush in my head and make it into something cohesive that I can express. Walking has been one of those times lately but I’m walking less and less these days as life gets crazier and the weather gets yuckier. (With my asthma, I can’t walk if it’s below a certain temperature.)

OK… ending now to take my antibiotics and work on some email or curriculum or something…

Awareness

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I was watching Venom E.R. (a show documenting the goings on of the Venom E.R. at Loma Linda University Medical Center) and it was definitely an interesting episode. A guy was bitten by a rattlesnake on his lunch break and fought for his life for three days before ending up in a coma and having to be taken off life support by his family. It was an interesting episode for me on a pastoral, ethical, and practical level.

Pastoral
When this guy’s health started taking a nose dive and they showed the ICU/Dr. Sean Bush calling about lab results that showed kidney failure/life support machines, I was transported back to June of last year when I saw the life-ending process from start to finish. (Read from June 15th to the 30th.) It was interesting to see Dr. Bush talking about the situation after the patient died because you could see just how much shock he was in. He’s treated hundreds of bites and all of them had walked out of the E.R. The guy’s wife (who is a nurse) talked at the end about how it was good that her husband and she had talked about the life support issue as well as talking to their kids about death. It made the decision an easier one and it respected her husband’s wishes.

In the circumstances I dealt with last June, the patient had suffered a heart attack before going into open heart surgery and ended up suffering multiple strokes as well as another heart attack after surgery. His brain was damaged to the point that he wouldn’t have been able to see, walk, or talk in addition to his heart being damaged. It begged the question of what kind of life he would have had and they did eventually have to take him off of life support. Pastorally, we had to help them to understand that this was OK, that it wasn’t murder, and that it was God’s will. We had prayed for him to live, and then we had to pray for him to die. Reconciling that was an interesting process.

Ethical
One of the things Dr. Bush touched on was the fact that they had given this guy state-of-the-art treatment. He had received 48 vials of anti-venom (the normal person only needs about 12) and they had done everything they could for him. It reminded me of some of the issues I struggle with in terms of technology and life support. We may have the technology, but should we use it? We *can* do some things to prolong life, but should we?

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Give Me Jesus

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I’ve had the Fernando Ortega version of this in my head for the last few days…

In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
Give me Jesus.

Dark midnight was my cry,
Dark midnight was my cry,
Dark midnight was my cry,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
Give me Jesus.

Just about the break of day,
Just about the break of day,
Just about the break of day,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
Give me Jesus.

Oh, when I come to die,
Oh, when I come to die,
Oh, when I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
Give me Jesus.

And when I want to sing,
And when I want to sing,
And when I want to sing,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
Give me Jesus.
–African-American spiritual (taken from With One Voice)

A Favor To Ask

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I’m redoing my domain site and I’m asking if all y’all could send me questions you think should be answered when one does a page on their faith. Just use the contact form that you get by clicking “Contact” on the lefthand sidebar.

Thanks!