Hope

“Hope… means… a continual looking forward to the eternal world… It does not mean that we are to leave the present world as it is. If you read history you will find that the Christians who did the most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next… It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this. Aim at Heaven and you will get earth ‘thrown in’: aim at earth and you will get neither.”
–C.S. Lewis “Mere Christianity”

Part of The Thoughts In My Chaotic Mind

Arms nailed down,
Are you tellin me something?
Eyes turned out,
Are you looking for someone?

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Blood-stained brow,
Are you dying for nothing?
Flesh and blood,
Is it so elemental?

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Blood-stained brow,
He wasn’t broken for nothing.
Arms nailed down,
He didn’t die for nothing.

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

— “Liquid” by Jars of Clay

Spiritual Revelations

I realized yesterday while praying under a tree at my local park (gotta love those Celtic-Christian roots) that I am angry still about the car situation. I’m angry at the doctor who hit us and I’m really angry at the Lord because that car was supposed to be the answer to a prayer and it got taken away. I know there is probably some good reason for this (after all, I wouldn’t have walked away alive had it been any other car besides a Volvo) but I’m still frustrated because we loved that car.

Unlike Job, I really have no reason to be angry or to state my case in the way that he did. After all, I’m not sinless and I’ve done stupid things like run stop signs in the past. I’m just frustrated because it was OUR car that was totalled and not the doctor’s (you know… the one who could afford to replace it). We have a used one in California that we’re looking at but still… our old car was so good and about 90% of the car was OK. (The reason it was totalled: busted the radiator and engine block as well as bending the frame.)

This too shall pass but it’s hard right now…

A Few Scenes From My Morning

I had just gotten off the phone with Jon’s father and was IM’ing with Rick. The last two bites of my Strawberry-Banana Berry Blast Cheerios was in the bowl and I ws in the midst of swallowing them and answering Rick’s question when the phone rang. It was our local hospice coordinator asking to speak to “Pastor McCabe”. I handed off the phone to Jon and mouthed “this is it”. He nodded at me and I went downstairs to find some clean khakis. Finding that all my pseudo-clerical stuff was either needing to be washed or ironed, I settled on my jeans and tossed the rest of my clothes on.

We drove out to the farmhouse and made it in record time. The body was still there and we all sat down and prayed a prayer of commital. I was asked to notify the big Lutheran church in town as the funeral will likely be held there. I walked out of the house into the yard and felt the cool breeze of the morning blowing around me as I tried to get cell phone reception. Everything was quiet and as I talked to the secretary at the church, I watched the corn waving in the breeze across the street. The beauty and stillness all around me was comforting and I stayed and gazed out for a while afterward.

Jon and the family talked about funeral things while I took care of comforting various people. (One of the granddaughters had just woken up and was in hysterics. I sat on the bed with her and held her for awhile.) They talked about various hymns that would be sung, songs that would be played, Scripture that would be read… The family was amazingly jovial about it and was ribbing Jon for having to look up one of the verse references. There were stories told of what she did for the church, the community, and of her raising of her seven kids.

The guys from the funeral home came and took the body away. All her children and grandchildren who were present kissed her forehead before they put her on the stretcher and loaded her into the back of the station wagon. The funeral director talked with the family briefly and made arrangements for all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss the plans. We followed them outside as they loaded her in the back and stood and watched as they drove away.

Into your hands , O merciful Savior, we commend your servant Lorraine. Acknowledge, we humbly beseech you, a sheep of your own fold, a lamb of your own flock, a sinner of your own redeeming. Receive her into the arms of your mercy, into the blessed rest of everlasting peace, and into the glorious company of the saints of light. Amen.

My Feelings Right Now

Today, we went to go clean out the car. I am incredibly sad and I’m fighting some serious anxiety and depression. I’m on a new medication for my panic attacks that is stronger and all I want to do right now is curl up under my comforter and hide.

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD ,
for he has been good to me.

–Psalm 13