My sister-in-law has Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome and it has gotten so bad right now that she can’t read most of her textbooks without throwing up or getting headachy. She is at work right now and is under fluorescent lights (SSS hell). She has glasses that are being made but she can’t get them until Thursday (when she has a test in one of her classes). Please pray that she can get through until she can get her glasses and also that there might be a solution to help her salvage the rest of the semester. Pray also for my in-laws because this has been extraordinarily draining for them.

[Disclaimer: These are my feelings on the subject and why it really doesn’t work for me. If doing “quiet times” with God is how you connect spiritually, I am not trying to say that you are wrong or that you should stop. I’m glad it works for you.]

A few days ago, I commented on my disdain for “cookie cutter” quiet times while raging about my faith. I guess I should probably explain why I despise the quiet times that (it seems like) most evangelical churches promote.

When I was in the latter years of my high school career, my friends told me about the practice of “quiet times” which was 30 minutes that you spent with God every day, usually reading a devotional like Campus Journal and then praying. I didn’t really put the practice into place until I hit college and started attending a church that promoted them. 30 minutes was the expectation and people claimed to do 45 minutes to 1 hour and they talked of the amazing results they got. Ummm… yeah. I could barely sit still for the 30 minutes that I started with and actually had to set a timer to make sure that I put my 30 minutes in. It wasn’t the Scripture or devotional reading that was a problem — it was the fact that I couldn’t sit still for that long and pray. The guy in whom I was interested at the time made it into somewhat of a competitive thing to see who could get the most time in and the most out of their time. I started feeling guilty and like less of a Christian because I just could not put in the 30 minutes daily without getting unfocused. I tried things like putting my distractions on pieces of paper and putting them in a bag and then setting my bag far away from me. There was also the “praying through distractions” method. Then there was the ACTS format of praying, which really did not work because I felt like my prayers were simply formulas that I recited every night. My fiancé (now husband of *almost* a year) and I prayed together every night and I finally stopped saying the words because we were repeating the same formulaic words every time. It finally burned me out on devotional life and prayer because I just could not connect with God.

Yes, I am studying to be a pastor. Yes, this means that I should have a static format in place so that I can get my own devotional time in when I’m in the parish. However, I got to the point where I simply could not pray and this scared me. My husband Jon has probably prayed for the last year or two for my soul at times because I frequently just did not have the words to pray. I know that Jon would love if we had husband/wife devotional time and I know that he wants us to have family prayers every night when we have kids. Coming from a family that isn’t Christian and being a very introverted person, those thoughts scare me. Doing the “quiet times” in the way that I was encouraged to is similar. It’s unstructured time where I feel like I have to fill it in somehow and all I end up doing is being conscious of how quiet it is and how I really should be connecting with God and I’m not. This was especially the case when my chapter of IV started having us explore “listening prayer”.

The thing that has gotten me praying again (other than it becoming a necessity that I take everything to the Lord in prayer to avoid getting hospitalized for stomach problems) is doing Morning Prayer in the Lutheran Book of Worship and occasionally doing led prayer times via Sacred Space. Having never really been taught to pray, I actually like being led through my prayers and I find that Morning Prayer especially speaks to the need I have for structure that still leaves me room for freedom. I do use Our Daily Bread also but that serves more to get me thinking about spiritual things, which often leads to me journalling about spiritual things either here, at my candidacy blog, or at my rant journal (which is known only to people I can trust). I also find that I can pray much more freely in the context of liturgy.

My point is this: “quiet times” don’t work for everyone. Some people need punctuated prayer time during the day. Others need to pray for a long time before they rise or before they go to sleep at night. Some find their divine connection through music and others find it while sitting in the middle of a field of sunflowers. The reason I look on them with disdain is that I frequently hear people talking about them as the “only way to reach God” and I really could disagree with that. Christianity is not a cookie cutter faith. It may seem like that, especially from the way a lot of Confirmation classes are taught, but it’s not some forumla you follow to receive eternal life. You could call my Morning Prayer my “quiet time” but really… it’s anything but quiet. I actually *sing* it (which Jon is not to find out about 🙂 ) and I read aloud to myself. It’s also not always half an hour — Sacred Space is 10-15 minutes and Morning Prayer is at least 15 minutes but rarely more than 25 even if I have a lot that I am praying about.

As I said in my disclaimer, if this works for you, keep doing it. It just didn’t work for me and I feel like it shouldn’t be pushed as the be-all end-all way to God. By the end of college, I was finally preaching “quality of time over quantity of time” when people asked how long my quiet times were. I also just really do not like how people use them as a measure of how Christian one is. The Lord speaks to different people through different ways. Scripture is frequently how the Lord convicts me of things and listening prayer is how He works in others. We are created in God’s image, but we are not cookies of the same cutter.

The Salty Vicar has some interesting thoughts on Shrove Tuesday and Lenten sacrifices. If I wasn’t a former Episcopalian, I probably wouldn’t be laughing so hard.

Sigh… I miss Shrove Tuesday pancake suppers…

Richard used my title phrase in one of his blog entries. I feel like it describes my day (and life) to a T.

This morning, I went to Columbus with Jon for his last psych appointment. While Jon was meeting with his therapist, I got maps to OSU Hospitals (the main ones) and did some surfing. Afterwards, we went to the sem so I could drop off my application for Seminary Sampler while Jon returned a library book. We ran into lots of people there and as great as it was to see them, it reminded me of what I gave up this year. Yes… it’s true. I feel jealous of my classmates who are slaving to get exegeticals in three languages done and who are freaking out about finals. Yes… I feel jealous of classmates who are up to their ears in Ethics reading and who are wondering how they are going to get their Church History II papers written because their confirmation kids have a retreat this weekend.

After grabbing lunch at Chipotle and Grinders, we headed to OSU Hospitals and I chilled in the lobby of Dodd Hall while Jon did his hospital visit with a patient. The hospitals are actually a set of buildings with a shuttle that goes between all of them. It’s a major medical center and we saw Lifeline helicopters everywhere in the sky.

We return to Newark and deposit Jon’s paycheck and found out that we probably have $20 in the account before the check goes through tomorrow. When I got home, I found out that it’s actually more like $3 and my evil health insurance company hasn’t reimbursed us yet ($127). So much for grocery shopping today! I promptly lose my cool because I am feeling useless and lazy and like I am contributing nothing to the household. (Yes, I am actively looking for work. I’ve put out 5 resumés in two days. The three I sent out today are clerical/receptionist positions. My temp agency person thinks she has me a lead on a job, but the client only wants to pay $6.50/hr for 15 hours of work. Unfortunately, that wage isn’t enough to really help out with bills, especially once the temp agency gets their cut.)

Jon reminds me of the library position in Granville, so I make myself look like I haven’t been bawling my eyes out and we drive to Granville, which is where I’d want to live if I had my choice. (Think of a New England village or the town of Mitford in the Jan Karon books. That’s Granville in a nutshell.) I fill out a library application and find out that the library position starts in 2 months. It’s something at least, so I fill out the app. (I’ll only be there for four months at that point, but I can figure out how to break it to them later.) We stop by the Lutheran church to say “hi” to the pastor and end up talking with him for four hours. It’s great and makes me forget that my life sucks.

*****

I seriously prayed today when I got home (right after I discovered my single digit bank balance) and thought that today’s ODB devotional might cheer me up. Ummm… didn’t quite happen. It was about how many of us believe in the facts but many people haven’t addressed the question of whether we believe in Christ enough to trust Him with our lives. My answer is “Yes Lord. I do trust you with my life. However… I am scared spitless right now.” I do trust the Lord with my life but it’s hard when I’m scared about my bills (which I *have* lifted up to Him) and about making ends meet next month. My mother-in-law has reminded me that after this year, I will be a better pastor because I will be able to look my congregation members in the eye and tell them to be of good cheer and that there are things like foodbanks and unemployment to help them deal with being laid off from the factory or when the harvest is bad. She is right (of course) but it’s hard to hear that right now. I am having problems praying and it has nothing to do with not believing in Jesus. It has to do with the fact that I am bored and depressed and frequently cannot motivate myself to do my “quiet time”. (My disdain for the cookie cutter “quiet times” will be addressed later.)

Lord, I believe in You. Help my lack of trust.

Two of my home-girls on my sidebar and with whom I hang out on the Forever-Inspired Boards are really standing in the need of prayer.

Andrea’s grandparents were in a car accident a week ago and are still really badly off health-wise. Her grandmother is not breathing on her own and her grandfather is back in the hospital with heart problems and a broken neck. Prayers for her grandparents and the family are asked for.

Almighty God, source of human knowledge and skill: Guide physicians and nurses and all those you have called to practice the arts of healing. Strengthen them by your life-giving Spirit, that, by their ministries, the health of all people may be promoted and your creation may be glorified; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

Julia’s father passed away after a long fight with cancer. Please pray for her family right now.

Almighty God, source of all mercy and giver of comfort: Deal graciously, we pray, with those who mourn, that, casting all their sorrow on you, they may know the consolation of your love; through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

During my last year of college and in subsequent job interviews, I got asked frequently why I chose Religious Studies and why I chose to go to seminary. My answer is this: the way people live their lives based on their religion is a fascinating subject to me. Why are Buddhists such peaceniks? Why do Muslim women *like* wearing the veil? Why is there such tension between the Jews and Palestinians in my “History of the Modern Middle East” class? Why is my friend Vero so gung ho about Eucharistic adoration? All of this has to do with religion and when you learn about other religions, it really opens up the door to understanding other cultures. My fascinations are actually Catholic rituals and Islam. My father’s family is Irish and Catholicism has always really fascinated me. Islam fascinates me because it’s a religion which has a high modesty standard for the women as well as a high ethical one. Veiling is just very interesting to me.

As for why I chose seminary, let me ask you this: what else do you do with a Religious Studies major? 🙂 I had visited Jon at Trinity during my junior year of college and I saw that the classes he was taking were ones that I would like to take. God slowly showed me where He wanted me and what He wanted me to do. There’s also the fact that applying to Trinity was put on my heart in January 2001 and did not get off until I applied. 🙂