I’ve been back in California for a year and a half and I’m not sure who is worse: L.A. drivers or Sacramento drivers. There do seem to be some universal rules, however, that both break.

–1–
Use your freaking turn signal before changing lanes. I can’t read your mind and believe me, there’s going to be a whole lot going through it (like shards of glass and metal) if you decide randomly to change lanes in front of me and don’t signal first.

–2–
Put your *expletive* cell phone down. I wish I had the power to ticket people on the CHP’s behalf because if I did, California wouldn’t have a budget problem. You can’t steer one-handed, as is evidenced by the fact that you’re swerving everywhere. Yes, the people on your left and right are giving you the finger. I would too if I didn’t have my two year old in the car with me.

–3–
The parking lot is not your personal autobahn. Yes, I see you have a bright red Mini Cooper with the top down. Judging from your looks, it’s a mid-life crisis car. Trust me sweetie, you don’t look young and hip taking the lanes of parking lots at 60 mph. In fact, you look pretty stupid and the dirty looks you’re getting are from the people who you almost T-boned and the parents of the kids you almost ran over.

–4–
The car pool lane is for vehicles with 2+ people (or on some L.A. freeways, 3+). It isn’t for you driving solo in your Hummer, especially during rush hour. I will laugh like a hyena when that motorcycle cop behind you pulls you over because of your inability to count.

–5–
Your Chevy Suburban is not a compact car. That parking spot says COMPACT in big letters. That would be my car (Dodge Stratus) and other cars that size. I really don’t appreciate having to climb out the passenger side or having to pray that you don’t hit me while trying to maneuver your behemoth around. I’m sorry that you have to walk an extra 20 feet. Suck it up.

–6–
Honking your horn at me at a red light is not going to make me move. I’m perfectly aware that I can legally make a right turn on a red light. However, it is not safe to do so. Once it is safe, I will proceed into the intersection but not before that point in time. All honking does is make you look moronic to other drivers.

–7–
Flying around me at a stop sign (because you don’t want to stop) is really not a good idea. I’m sorry that I’m following the rules and that you in your black Porsche Boxster have a problem with that. However, it would be a real tragedy if someone T-boned you because you failed to stop. Driving like that is also likely to cause you to roll your Porsche (especially in the rain) and I really don’t think that’s going to end well, given the lack of space between you and the roof. Spinal cord injuries are no fun and I’m sure your insurance company is going to LOVE paying for your stupidity.

(For more quick takes, go see Jen at ConversionDiary.Com.)