Pisco of ePiscoSours has been talking about his struggle with dysthymia in terms of having “the Parasite” in his head. While this can get a bit humorous (at least on my end reading it), it’s surprisingly accurate.
It honestly does feel like I have a Parasite in my head somedays and that the Parasite is sucking all the energy out of me. There are also the times when the Parasite sets off the fire alarm in my head and causes a panic attack which just makes my day so freaking lovely… especially if I happen to be at church or work. Unlike Pisco’s, my Parasite is a fan of Coca Cola which means that when my blood sugar tanks around 4:00 pm, it screams and hollers at me (not audibly) until it gets some Coke. I know my doctor is going to LOVE this tomorrow when she reads my bloodwork and that I’m probably going to be put on yet more medication to control my glucose intolerance.
The Parasite had a month of free reign over my mind in June aided by the Topamax which was feeding it well. I honestly don’t even want to think about how screwed up the month was with all the depression and crud messing with my mind. I can remember the last full week of June being one of the WORST times of depression in at least 8-9 years — I was so depressed that I would sit at my desk at work and cry silently. There was no way I could really express what was going on to the people around me and I am a bit worried about that.
The Parasite also tends to silence me and make me want to just withdraw into myself.Â? There are days when I don’t want to be social at church or work and people playing “let’s draw Jen out of her shell” REALLY piss me off.Â? Being around people constantly is incredibly draining and having to do it makes me incredibly tired.Â? For example, I came home after an hour of church and slept for 5 hours!Â? I come home from work and just want to collapse on the couch because I’ve been around people and I just want to curl up in a Jen-ball and recharge myself.Â? This means that I eat waaaaay too much fast food on my way home (because I know that I don’t want to have to cook when I get home) and that I don’t do anything active when I get home (i.e. taebo) because I just don’t have the energy to move.
I don’t want to let the Parasite win but sometimes, I just want to curl up and just let the fighting happen for awhile without me…
I’ve never heard it described in that way, but it makes sense. It’s something that makes its way into your neurochemistry and messes up your life.
I’m sorry that you had such a miserable time in the spring and I pray that it’s better, or at least a bit more bearable now.
The cliches can really make you want to throw things. The old “bring her out of her shell” one is a classic. You deserve better.