I’ve had an *interesting* couple weeks. One reason is that I’m back to work three days a week. This is a good thing because I really did miss my co-workers (even the ones I was ready to kill before I went on maternity leave) and I actually missed my work. (I know… I’m crazy.)

The other reason is that I’m now starting to comprehend the gravity of what I was going through during the week of April 5th when Daniel was born. When I saw my doctor on May 1st to get clearance to go back to work, she showed me my hospital report and it was pretty sobering to say the least. My platelet level was down to 30% of normal and in addition to the HELLP Syndrome (the form of pre-eclampsia that I had), there was also a placental abruption and I was bleeding into my uterus. They didn’t know about the placental abruption until they cut me open to do the c-section to save my life from the effects of the HELLP Syndrome so really, I could have lost Daniel and eventually bled to death myself if they hadn’t discovered it at that point.

This is pretty scary to think about because if it had hit 24 hours earlier, I would have been home alone and I could have had seizures and other complications. They were already not telling me how sick I was at the time because they didn’t want to panic me but it was a little unnerving when they had to catheterize me because they didn’t want me walking around in case I had a seizure once I got down to the hospital in Great Falls. I also wasn’t aware that the Ativan they were giving me wasn’t to calm me down but instead to prevent the seizing. (I also wish they’d given me the Ativan BEFORE they tried putting the catheter in, but I can’t have everything I want.)

Faith-wise, I realized that I’m finally able to pray again. I seriously could not pray for myself during that week in the hospital and the fact that it was Holy Week was completely irrelevant to me at the time. While I was (and am still) definitely grateful for all the people who came to visit me, sent flowers, prayed for me, and thought of me, that gratefulness was (and is) covering some woundedness in my soul because I was REALLY angry that God allowed me to get so sick and that OMG I WAS LYING IN THE HOSPITAL AND MY BABY WAS IN THE NICU WITH TUBES STICKING OUT OF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it was Holy Week and we were commemorating Our Lord’s Passion — that didn’t change the fact that I was in my own personal hell and what exactly was God doing about it!?!?!?!?!?!?!? My doctor (who is seriously the most awesome person on the planet) was trying to talk me down one morning and was making allusions to all the Holy Week stuff and I was thinking “and your point is?????” It’s so crazy because Holy Week is my favorite week of the Church year and it’s usually a week that I’m seriously into. Not so much this year!

I finally realized how angry I was on Wednesday night as I was driving home from Great Falls and proceeded to have a pretty decent screaming match with God. Seriously, at the time I wanted to know where exactly He was while all this was going on, while I was spending days sobbing, and while I was suffering so much internally while being a sweet grateful person on the outside. And yes, I know what the answer is to that: He was present with me through the people and the outpouring of love from the community. But… I’m still a bit angry and wounded nevertheless and it’s taking some time to really come to terms with that.

While I was driving home on Saturday, the following song came on my iPod and it just completely fit the feelings I was having.

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven’t lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it’s hard for me to pray
But I don’t know what to say
And I don’t know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that’s in my heart

I will sing I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing

Lord it’s hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don’t know what to say
And I don’t know where to start
But as You give grace
With all that’s in my heart

I will sing I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing