Richard used my title phrase in one of his blog entries. I feel like it describes my day (and life) to a T.

This morning, I went to Columbus with Jon for his last psych appointment. While Jon was meeting with his therapist, I got maps to OSU Hospitals (the main ones) and did some surfing. Afterwards, we went to the sem so I could drop off my application for Seminary Sampler while Jon returned a library book. We ran into lots of people there and as great as it was to see them, it reminded me of what I gave up this year. Yes… it’s true. I feel jealous of my classmates who are slaving to get exegeticals in three languages done and who are freaking out about finals. Yes… I feel jealous of classmates who are up to their ears in Ethics reading and who are wondering how they are going to get their Church History II papers written because their confirmation kids have a retreat this weekend.

After grabbing lunch at Chipotle and Grinders, we headed to OSU Hospitals and I chilled in the lobby of Dodd Hall while Jon did his hospital visit with a patient. The hospitals are actually a set of buildings with a shuttle that goes between all of them. It’s a major medical center and we saw Lifeline helicopters everywhere in the sky.

We return to Newark and deposit Jon’s paycheck and found out that we probably have $20 in the account before the check goes through tomorrow. When I got home, I found out that it’s actually more like $3 and my evil health insurance company hasn’t reimbursed us yet ($127). So much for grocery shopping today! I promptly lose my cool because I am feeling useless and lazy and like I am contributing nothing to the household. (Yes, I am actively looking for work. I’ve put out 5 resumés in two days. The three I sent out today are clerical/receptionist positions. My temp agency person thinks she has me a lead on a job, but the client only wants to pay $6.50/hr for 15 hours of work. Unfortunately, that wage isn’t enough to really help out with bills, especially once the temp agency gets their cut.)

Jon reminds me of the library position in Granville, so I make myself look like I haven’t been bawling my eyes out and we drive to Granville, which is where I’d want to live if I had my choice. (Think of a New England village or the town of Mitford in the Jan Karon books. That’s Granville in a nutshell.) I fill out a library application and find out that the library position starts in 2 months. It’s something at least, so I fill out the app. (I’ll only be there for four months at that point, but I can figure out how to break it to them later.) We stop by the Lutheran church to say “hi” to the pastor and end up talking with him for four hours. It’s great and makes me forget that my life sucks.

*****

I seriously prayed today when I got home (right after I discovered my single digit bank balance) and thought that today’s ODB devotional might cheer me up. Ummm… didn’t quite happen. It was about how many of us believe in the facts but many people haven’t addressed the question of whether we believe in Christ enough to trust Him with our lives. My answer is “Yes Lord. I do trust you with my life. However… I am scared spitless right now.” I do trust the Lord with my life but it’s hard when I’m scared about my bills (which I *have* lifted up to Him) and about making ends meet next month. My mother-in-law has reminded me that after this year, I will be a better pastor because I will be able to look my congregation members in the eye and tell them to be of good cheer and that there are things like foodbanks and unemployment to help them deal with being laid off from the factory or when the harvest is bad. She is right (of course) but it’s hard to hear that right now. I am having problems praying and it has nothing to do with not believing in Jesus. It has to do with the fact that I am bored and depressed and frequently cannot motivate myself to do my “quiet time”. (My disdain for the cookie cutter “quiet times” will be addressed later.)

Lord, I believe in You. Help my lack of trust.