(I am going to admit right here and now that I’m ripping this idea off from Sir Sours. After all… I’m religious not schizophrenic as Herr Pisco would say.)

Yo God… we need to discuss a few things.

Jen! So nice of you to talk to me at a time other than your daily devotions! By the way, you realize that you should ideally pray even when you’re not going through Sacred Space, right?

Point taken. Now what’s with this acid reflux? I’m asking you for health and strength and all good things and you’re giving me this stinkin’ acid.

Said stinkin’ acid is from the garlic bread you ate at 3 a.m. and the cans of soda you’ve consumed today. Have you ever thought about giving up soda for a reason other than Lent?

Ummm… did it last year and then you let my gallbladder become a dead lump of flesh so that I was living on clear liquids like ginger ale?

You know that I created you perfect and that included a gallbladder that was designed to fulfill a certain purpose. You’re the one who downed the McD’s as a child and all those carbs.

And you knit me in my mother’s womb and gave me the predisposition to high cholesterol. As for creating things perfect, why did you have to create rattlesnakes? I spent all morning terrified that I was going to step on one.

We’ll discuss the whole creation issue later and I recommend that you look at what I said to the last person who asked that question.

I know… read those chapters in Job. That’s very nice. Now onto the job front: am I going to be subbing this year? Do you happen to have any bright ideas about what you want me to do if that doesn’t work out?

Jen, have you not forgotten what Jeremiah told the Israelites when they were in Babylon? I’ll give you a hint: you quoted it to all your frosh in college.

OK… so you know the plans you have for me. Mind enlightening me as to what you’re gonna do? I mean… it would be *nice* to know and all.

Jen, Jen Jen. You need to learn to trust me. By the way, you need to go sing at both services tomorrow.

Are you going to give me good sleep and not keep me awake after I pray for sleep like you did last night so that I can be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and not rip peoples’ heads off?

That’s up to you and your Coke addiction.

*rolls eyes* Fine, I’ll sing tomorrow but you’d better help me get sleep tonight without the use of pharmaceuticals or ethanol-based liquids!

Good khouria. By the way, keep up the intercessing on behalf of others. It builds character and shows others my love.

Will do. Amen and all that jazz.