So Olive Hope passed away last night. This isn’t a surprise. She was born at 28.5 weeks, she had a class 4 brain bleed, she was dealing with hospitals in Thailand, she had to have shunt surgery when she got here… It’s really miraculous that she lasted 4 months. The pictures on that entry were of her family cuddling her lifeless body. I really wish I hadn’t seen those pictures because they will haunt me for a very long time.

Still, I hurt for her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and everyone else whose heart she touched in the last four months because *I* could have been in their place. Daniel’s NICU stay was a cake walk compared to what Rusty and Lynette went through. They’ve stood by Olive and had to make some pretty intense decisions. They’ve faced some really intense obstacles and yet, they still got things done. They got Olive into a private hospital. They assembled a team of doctors and nurses to fly home with them. They got her Medicaid benefits even though Olive was born abroad. I’m sure there are people saying that they could/should have done more; but I really don’t see how they could have.

Rusty’s sister is soliciting messages to put in a book for Rusty and Lynette and I wish I could tell her something but there’s no way I can quantify what I feel in words. I’m the mom of a preemie. Both Daniel and I almost died in his birth. I understand the four months of angst they went through — it was my first week times sixteen.

And yet, all I can say is that it’s good that Miss Olive is at peace now. She would have had severe developmental disabilities and I can’t imagine going through all the stuff she went through every day. How can you say it’s better that your child die than live and have all those problems?

I will eventually figure out what to say but I know my heart is definitely grieved.