Postponement

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I’m getting the feeling right now that my plans to return to school this fall are perhaps not the ones the Lord wants me to have. Last year, I was chomping at the bit to get back to seminary. Right now, I’m kind of not as diehard about having to be back in school in September.

This is kind of shocking considering my anguish last April when I was denied candidacy for ordained ministry. I remember being so crushed and devastated by the news that it took HOURS to stop crying. The bitterness and my attempts to get back in didn’t even stop until November when I realized that my attempts were not helping me or my case. (The candidacy committee of my synod in Ohio is tough to work with and has been declared so by about 70% of those dealing with them, but that doesn’t mean I need to badmouth them at every turn. It also makes me look like I’m not mature enough to deal with this.) If the Lord wants me to serve Him as a minister of Word and Sacrament, He can direct my steps in that direction.

Maybe I’m healed from the pain of last April. Maybe I still have a little more to work on before I’m really ready. Maybe I’m just really satisfied with my life here and don’t want to face another transition or the fact that I’d be away from Jon and the cats three or four days a week. All I know is that if I’d been in school this year, the following things wouldn’t have happened:

  • We wouldn’t have adopted Freya and Edda.

  • I wouldn’t have been able to go with Jon to call interviews, which means that I wouldn’t have met the call committee at the churches here who were the deciding factor in our decision to come.

  • I wouldn’t have gotten to sing Fauré’s Requiem with St. Paul’s and that’s an experience that was incredibly healing after this summer.

  • I wouldn’t have gotten to participate in the funerals this summer. It was a tough experience but it taught me how I grieve and also how to deal with grieving people. Death is also not as freaky to me.

  • I wouldn’t be teaching 14 Vikings about the tenets of Lutheranism and be dragged into discussions on embalming practices.

    • As usual, the Lord knew best. Now to see what’s next in store for me…

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    About Jen

    Jen isn't quite sure when she lost her mind, but it is probably documented here on Meditatio. She blogs because the world needs her snark at all hours of the night... and she probably can't sleep anyway.