Daily Archives: February 4, 2012

Kneeling at the Altar

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Now that I’ve finished Inheritance by Christopher Paolini, I’m reading Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren Winner. In it, she posits a series of reflections on life when you’re in that spot where God is absent and prayer is just impossible. At the time she wrote the book, her mother had died three weeks before she married her (now former) husband and after five years of marriage, she reaches the point at which she can’t continue it because she’s miserable and is making her husband miserable.

It’s an *interesting* read as all of her books; but it’s being really emotionally painful for me to read because I can see myself in her. I read the same fiction she does (which is almost all based in North Carolina) and I’m in a perpetual “middle” in terms of faith. It’s not to say that my faith is gone but instead to say that I’m at a point right now where I frequently see and feel silence from God when I pray.

The hardest reflection to read thus far has been “healing prayer” in which she describes going up after receiving communion for healing prayer. She talks about how she would love to be able to do it one day but at that moment, she can only kneel at the rail and cry with the priest’s warm hands holding hers. I was reading it yesterday while I was eating lunch and I had to choke back tears while eating my teryaki chicken and take some deep breaths to calm myself. Why the tears? It was because I have the same memory.

In 2007, we had a mentally unbalanced parishioner stalking me and I finally wrote her a letter telling her to leave me alone or I would take out a restraining order against her. She whined to anyone who would listen about how I threatened to sue her and OMG-THE-HEART-PROBLEMS-THIS-WAS-CAUSING-HER!!!!! (Did I mention that she was also a pathological liar?) Of course, people believed her instead of me. The sheep hit the fan during Holy Week 2008 (because if anything is going to go wrong in a clergy family, it will be during Holy Week) and after being chewed out confronted by a few parishioners, I decided that it would be better if I took a Sunday off from being a pastor’s wife and being a Lutheran. I needed to go down to Great Falls for some errands so I went to go and bond with my aunt and uncle who lived down there and attended the Episcopal church in town the next morning.

For those new to my blog, I came to faith in the Episcopal church and it’s where I go (or at least wish I could go) when I’m really having problems with my faith or in my life. The liturgy was wonderful that Sunday and after the Eucharist, people were invited to come up for healing prayer. I went up for it and was moved to tears as I knelt at the communion rail and Father Tim clasped his hands around mine to pray for me. I don’t know why but it moves me to tears when people lay hands and pray for me. It might be that I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable, it might be the Spirit within me interceding because I have to words, or it could just be that I understand the power of what is going on.

I went back to Incarnation several times after on Sunday mornings and then to the noon Eucharists on Wednesdays after Daniel was born because it was the only way I would be able to attend church due to his care schedule in the NICU. Father Tim came to see me in the hospital in Great Falls and I feel horrible because I have no memory of it. (I was on some seriously heavy medications at the time to arrest the preeclampsia so it’s not surprising.) Reading what Lauren had to say brought back the memory of the incredible need I had for someone to pray for me during those times when I just could not pray for myself.

It’s been almost two years since we moved from Montana to California and almost three years since I’ve attended Incarnation. I am in such a different place today than I was back then and looking back, I can see the horrific depression I pushed through during that time. My life is so different today: a parish that loves my family, people who support Jon, and my parents nearby. Still, I am comforted by the thought that there are Episcopal parishes out there with people who will hold my hands as I kneel at the altar needing prayers for healing.

We Are Dysfunctional Voters

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Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson had the following to say as part of a collection of opinions entitled “If I Were President…” that appeared in the New York Times. I saw his response on Twitter yesterday and thought it needed to be shared as it identifies the problem we as a country have with politics.

The question, ??If I were President I??d???? implies that if you swap out one leader, put in another, then all will be well with America??as though our leaders are the cause of all ailments.

That must be why we??ve created a tradition of rampant attacks on our politicians. Are they too conservative for you? Too liberal? Too religious? Too atheist? Too gay? Too anti-gay? Too rich? Too dumb? Too smart? Too ethnic? Too philanderous? Curious behavior, given that we elect 88% of Congress every two years.

A second tradition-in-progress is the expectation that everyone else in our culturally pluralistic land should hold exactly your own outlook, on all issues.

When you??re scientifically literate, the world looks different to you. It??s a particular way of questioning what you see and hear. When empowered by this state of mind, objective realities matter. These are the truths of the world that exist outside of whatever your belief system tells you.

One objective reality is that our government doesn??t work, not because we have dysfunctional politicians, but because we have dysfunctional voters. As a scientist and educator, my goal, then, is not to become President and lead a dysfunctional electorate, but to enlighten the electorate so they might choose the right leaders in the first place.

(Source: Hayden Planetarium website)

Exemptions Not Enough for Some

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This evening, I saw on my Facebook page that President Obama and HHS Secretary Sebelius had announced religious exemptions to the HHS mandate for insurance companies to cover birth control. There had been a petition on the White House website (which was a pain to login to and sign) asking for the mandate to be rescinded and there were lawsuits from Belmont Abbey and Colorado Christian College. In response to those, the administration threw religious organizations a bone and announced the exemptions.

Apparently, this isn’t enough for the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. They’ve issued a statement nitpicking the announcement from the White House. I found this out after one of the people on Quick Takes (who is remaining nameless because I’d rather pull my fingernails out than give her or her minions blog traffic) left the following snippy comment on my blog:

I don’t know why you’ve been going around to Catholic blogs and posting false information, but the religious exemption in the HHS mandate is worthless.

Um yeah… way to be civil, princess. It’s the kind of thing (coupled with the fact that you’ve proven yourself incapable of actually having a civil discussion on your blog) that gets you I.P. banned. *sigh* I’ve really missed playing with my *.htaccess file lately.

For the record, the exemptions to the mandate are not worthless — they’re on par with the religious exemptions provided for military service and social security. Quakers are conscientious objectors and yet they still pay taxes that support the U.S. military. Some Anabaptist groups consider Social Security to be akin to gambling (no, I am not making this up) and they can opt out of contributing to it even though their taxes are paying other peoples’ Social Security.

I’m sorry but the Roman Catholic Church is not that special. If we are to provide healthcare to everyone (which they should really be in favor of doing considering their history of charity), Catholics are going to have to bite the bullet on this one and pay. As it stands as of today, churches do not have to pay their insurers to cover contraception. For example, I’m a pastor’s wife and my denomination has the right not to pay our insurer to cover my birth control pills. (Oh yeah… gonna get hate mail for that one.) I know that it doesn’t exempt Catholic hospitals but it would exempt Catholic colleges if all their staff members are Catholic. For Evangelical schools, it works because all staff and professors have to sign a faith statement.

And for the love of all things holy, would people please stop acting like this is a Catholic pogrom? Nobody is being jailed, beaten, executed, or thrown to the lions over this issue. If you want to talk about persecution, talk to Christians in places like China, Iran, Pakistan, Nigeria, Egypt, and Malaysia. You guys aren’t losing your 501(c)3 funding for telling your members not to vote a certain way by denying them the Eucharist (which is a violation of that particular I.R.S. statute). You get to keep the seal of Confession — every other clergy person has to report it if someone tells us that they’ve harmed themselves or others. In other words, you have a lot of religious freedoms that others don’t get to have. Going off about how this is a Catholic persecution gives the impression that y’all are whiny and will not play ball unless things are exactly YOUR way. I can tell you straight up that it does not leave a good taste in peoples’ mouths.

Oh yeah, comments are disabled on this post and any comments placed on other posts referencing this one will be deleted. This is one of those things that is my opinion and is not negotiable.