The past couple days have been good for me in terms of affirming that I can be a rock during crisis situations. They have also, unfortunately, made my people-pleasing tendencies rear their ugly heads. It’s making my angst (that I thought was put on hold) a whole lot worse and it’s causing me to doubt that people actually think that I’m a sane person because I had an experience tonight where I attempted to catch someone’s attention to ask them two questions that just completely backfired. (It left me with hives on my legs, a tight chest from my grass allergy, itchy eyes, and a desire to pull the covers over my head and hide from the world while repeating to myself that I am a moron and this other person [and those around them] must think I’m a complete idiot. If you want details, email me.)

I know that people-pleasing is a form of idolatry because the only opinion I should care about is the one of the God who created, sustains, and guides me. His opinion of me is that I am a beautiful daughter of His who He chose to redeem by sending His Son to die on the Cross in my place. With a Heavenly Father who thinks that much of me, I should ideally not care what others think about me, right? I wish…

I have spent the last few months in agony because people have been angry with me and not told me and I’ve had to walk on eggshells every time I’ve gone to one of Jon’s churches because it always seems like someone is constantly angry with me over something I had no idea that I had done. It has unfortunately translated into my personal life and is making some of my personal relationships really fractious.

*sighs* Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Agnus Dei qui tollis pecatta mundi, miserere me.