My favorite Byzantine Catholic priest’s wife posted today on how to be a perfect priest’s wife. She mentioned me in her post so I thought I’d play off of what she said and add a few of my own thoughts.

Know that there is no such thing as “perfect”. You may be married to a man of God but both of you are still human, even if this thought completely SHOCKS your parishioners. Realizing this early on will help you preserve your sanity.

Make peace with the fact that your husband works over holidays. That wonderful image of the kids opening their presents on Christmas morning while the parents and extended family look on? Not going to happen unless you take your kids to be with your extended family and leave your husband to do Christmas morning worship on his own. (Not that I’ve done that… multiple times.) Advent/Christmas and Lent/Easter are insane and it means Wednesday services/soup suppers, special services for the Triduum, and generally not seeing your husband for about 4-6 weeks. My friend mentioned her husband possibly having to work on their anniversary — that was a Lenten soup supper/service this year for us. We STILL haven’t gone out though that’s more to do with Daniel flipping out if we leave him with a babysitter. You find ways to celebrate holidays at “alternate times”.

Find your niche. My friend did a great job on this one, mentioning that people get a little prickly if they think that you’re going to replace them. (OK… in my experience, people get A LOT prickly.) One thing I make VERY clear is that I may be the pastor’s wife but my view of my job is to enable others to do their jobs better and this means that I’m not going to be the WELCA president, Sunday school superintendent (even though I have part of a Masters degree in theology), or on council. (Being on council would be a MAJOR conflict of interest.) The job that I tend to find myself doing in every parish is sacristan/Altar Guild because I’m detail-oriented enough to know what colors need to be on the altar, how much wine/bread to prep, and what banners would fit the season best. The best arrangement I had was in Minnesota where my partner did the altar flowers and I did the sacristan stuff. Another thing I’ve also done is be the back-up person for coffee hour if someone was going to have to miss. My favorite job is lectoring but so far I haven’t had any offers here.

Learn early on how to keep a secret. We’ve had someone in every parish but this one who has called “innocently” to find out where Jon is. (Translation: they’ve called to mine me for gossip because Jon is probably meeting with someone and getting information that would be great when put through the rumor mill. God bless small town life.) My answer: “he’s out doing visits” and I leave it at that. If they ask me who, I claim blissful ignorance (though I probably know where he is) and tell them to call his cell phone if it’s an emergency. With rare exception, that cell phone call doesn’t happen.

Help your husband. Mine has had to be his own secretary in two of the three parishes he has served. This means that I’ve had to fold bulletins, run them off, deliver them on my way to town, assemble reports for the annual meeting, and that kind of thing. I’ve also had to adjust his stole on occasion, fix his microphone, and that kind of thing. It’s harder now that I have Daniel but I view my job on Sunday morning as being that extra pair of hands for him to make sure things go off OK. I love my friend’s suggestion of having a box for those things that need to make it to church. Thankfully, we live around the corner from the church and my husband’s church stuff is contained THERE but I could really have used that in the last two parishes.

Pray for and with your husband. This does seriously make a difference when things are going crazy.

Be social. I’m off the Myers-Briggs scale as an introvert. (Being a cloistered nun would be perfect for me at times.) Smile at people and say “hi”, especially to people you don’t know. If they’re visitors, they may actually return. One thing I do tell people is that my hearing isn’t great when I have a cold and that I hyper-focus so they need to tap me on the shoulder if I don’t hear them or respond to them.

Establish VERY clear boundaries. The parish called your husband, not you. Thus, you should be theoretically off-limits. This means that you are not your husband’s secretary, people should not be telling you things about other people, and they need to meet your husband at the church instead of the parsonage. You are only required to be at worship — everything else is your gift to the parish. I make it clear to people that they need to talk to my husband if they have a message because my short-term memory is not great… especially when I’m chasing a two year old. When people start telling me something about someone else, I explain that I really shouldn’t be hearing whatever they’re saying. I don’t invite people over to the parsonage for coffee because it’s our private residence — not an extension of the church fellowship hall. (I usually will get together with people in public, like on the playground.) I also do not discuss church business at work and have thankfully had bosses who will back me up when people try to do that. (Yes, I’ve seriously had parishioners call me at work when they can’t reach Jon. When they get huffy at me, I transfer them to my boss who tells them firmly that this is a business establishment and that they need to wait until I get home to talk to me.) People will try to challenge your boundaries so be firm (and tactful).

Make friends outside of church. I have a blogging network for a reason — I can talk about things other than whatever is happening at church or in the community. It’s also mentally healthier for me when the church isn’t my social life.

Learn to smile and nod. You know how kids say the darndest things? Parishioners are the same way. I’ve had people ramble on to me about their opinion on something which is 180 degrees from mine. (Case in point: The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren. I’ve had people swear by it while I would rather swear AT it and burn it.) Telling them that they’re wrong and misinformed does not work well, especially since they’re the ones paying your husband and controlling your housing. 🙂 Learning to smile politely and nod while listening is essential. You can roll your eyes later when you get home.

Figure out what works for you. Every parish is different and every marriage is different. Learn how to balance your the part of your identity as a pastor’s wife with the other parts of who you are. Blogging is how I reconcile everything. I also write murder mysteries. Find out what works for you.