Why I Am Not Homeschooling Daniel (III): My Reasons

Bonnie of A Knotted Life left this comment on last week’s Quick Takes:

I would love to read that homeschooling post. I had a great public school experience, we live in a good district, I see a lot of perks to homeschooling, and I??m very drawn to the nearest parochial school. The way I see it, there??s someone waiting to guilt me no matter what decision I make for my kids?? education, which is especially difficult because there are great benefits for all three of my choices and the negatives all are of about the same weight.

I think it would be cool if we could kind of crowdsource an answer for Bonnie. If you are so inclined, please email me (jen at grace-filled dot net) and in less than 75 words, tell me which one you picked (public/private/parochial/homeschool) and why you made that decision or why you would make that decision if you either don’t have kids or haven’t had to decide yet. I’ll run all the submissions fit to print next Wednesday. Sound like a plan?

Onto *MY* decision and my reasons for making it.

If you didn’t already know, Daniel was a preemie and has global developmental delays as a result. In November of 2011, our Regional Center worker was doing her 6 month check-in with us and asked us if it had been suggested that he was autistic. I said “no” and she suggested that we get him tested, saying that the Regional Center would pay for the test. Fast forward to January 3, 2012 at a developmental pediatrics consult with the MIND Institute and the team came in and told me that Daniel was very clearly autistic and if we didn’t already have a test scheduled, they’d be having us come back so they could administer the ADOS. A week later, a psychologist contracting with the Regional Center administered the ADOS and formally diagnosed Daniel as being mild to moderately autistic. (For those whose kids are suspected of being autistic, I just want to warn you that the test takes around 4-5 hours and they don’t want you to interact with your kid so bring a book or two.)

In California, per the Lanterman Act, the school district assumes responsibility of any child receiving services at the Regional Center once they hit their third birthday. I met with one of the school psychologists in early January 2012 and we talked through what the process would be. They did their own evaluations and I signed a bunch of releases for Daniel’s pediatrician, the Regional Center, and Easter Seals to give reports. We met for Daniel’s IEP (individualized education plan) meeting in late March and were given three options: the autism class at the preschool, the special needs class at the preschool, or just receiving speech and possibly occupational therapy through the school district while either homeschooling or putting him in a private preschool.

Our decision: The autism class at the preschool.

Why did we decide this?

[+] I am not patient enough to homeschool Daniel. Usually, people just laugh when I say that and say something about how I must be kidding because they’ve seen me with Daniel. Yeah, the patience I have with Daniel is an acquired skill. It is not my nature, to which my husband Jon and anyone who has ever had to live with me can attest. When I want something, I want it NOW. Not in five minutes. NOW. Kids like him tend to take their time with milestones and because he isn’t verbal yet, I would have a really hard time in figuring out if he actually understood a concept like the color green and it would drive me crazy not to be able to figure this out. Also, take your worst day with your kids throwing a tantrum and that’s a normal day of summer vacation/Spring Break/Christmas vacation for us because Daniel has communication tantrums. Last week, I had a number of days where I was curled up in a fetal position by 3:00 p.m. with “Winnie the Pooh” playing on the DVD player because I had been screamed at for so many hours straight. The tantrums have gotten better as I’ve taken him by the hand and gently led him over to his PECS book, asking him to please point to what he needs and then cheerfully offering to get it for him. (This is taking every ounce of self-control I have.)

[+] I hate being a housewife and stay-at-home mom. Note: I do not hate being a mom. What I hate is not being able to work outside the home and contribute to the finances. I loved my job in Montana so much that I went back as soon as they could medically clear me after I had Daniel. (I was supposed to be off for 6 weeks minimum and I think I went back after 5 1/2.) When my maternity leave was up, Jon and I worked our schedules so one of us could be home with him while the other was working and we had back-up people if that couldn’t happen. When we moved up here, my plan was to go back to school to be a respiratory therapist or a nurse once Daniel was in school. (That plan has been altered by the circumstances.) I would be horribly depressed (or even more horribly depressed than usual) if I was always home doing school with Daniel and he would likely be miserable because he’d be around a mom who was not her best self. Yes, there would be field trips and all that but that wouldn’t be every day. It’s necessary for me to be home right now just with everything that has to be juggled for Daniel’s care but it isn’t my preference.

[+] I don’t have the education or skills necessary to give Daniel the best education. My mother-in-law homeschooled my husband and his sister 30 years ago when it was the weird hippie thing to do. She had to pretty much invent her own curriculum and patch together whatever she could find. Today, there are hundreds of resources, curricula, and even online charter schools so I could pretty much buy something pre-packaged and use it. That isn’t my issue. I don’t have a bachelor’s degree in human development or early childhood education, a master’s degree in Occupational Therapy/Speech Language Pathology/Behavioral Sciences or a Doctorate in Physical Therapy. I would need all those things to adequately teach Daniel because his learning processes are completely different than they would be for a typically-developing child. While I’ve had a little bit of training in Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA for short — it’s the methodology used in Daniel’s autism preschool class), it’s only enough to reinforce what he’s learning from school or his one-on-one therapies that start next week. His preschool teacher is beyond wonderful and all the aides in his class are ABA-trained. He has access to speech during his school day instead of separately and I seriously don’t miss being there for speech therapy — it was the most aggravating hour of my week!

[+] It isn’t a necessity for us to homeschool him. If we lived in a place where the schools were abysmal or we morally objected to what Daniel was being taught, it would be a consideration. Our public schools are fairly good, the local preschool with Daniel’s class is on the next block, Daniel is thriving in his class, and I have no moral objections to the curriculum being taught. (Yes, I do live in California where they actually do mention great historical figures who were gay but I really couldn’t care less about that.) With preschool, they aren’t learning anything incredibly controversial and once he gets into grade school, we’ll keep tabs on what is going on in his classroom. I’m married to a pastor and Daniel has one of the largest collections of Bible story books known to man — I think we can manage to pass on our faith and our values. If there’s something morally objectionable being taught in one of his classes, we’ll deal with it at that point.

So anyway, that’s why I don’t homeschool Daniel. This post didn’t come totally out of feeling judged or anything — it was a random post seed that came into being with last week being really difficult.

9 thoughts on “Why I Am Not Homeschooling Daniel (III): My Reasons

  1. All excellent reasons for not homeschooling. It really isn’t the answer for everything or everyone! The only “argument” I have is that you become more patient and a better disciplinarian (or you SHOULD) by homeschooling. But that’s leaving out the issues of autism and depression, and I’m sure you’re already a much more patient person than you were before Daniel.

    Question: Does sign language work for autistic children? I’m just asking out of curiosity, because so many people use it these days with their little ones. My Meg was very late in talking (so everyone thought she was deaf), and we taught her some essential signs which lessened everyone’s frustration until her speech caught up.

    Another question based on the PECS book: Is there anything like it for the ipad? When my mom was dying of ALS and lost her ability to talk, she had a little computer that she could point to pictures on and it would say the word for her. or a whole sentence if she had pre-recorded things. This was a few years before the ipad, but it’s so similar, it seems like the ipad would be a perfect vehicle for that type of communication app.

    • There are some parents who do use baby sign language with their autistic kids. We use a little bit with Daniel so he does know how to say “more”, “all done”, and “up”. Frequently, he will bring me a PECS icon and then sign “more”.

      There is actually an app for iPad that works like a PECS book called “proloquo2go”. I actually had a conversation about this a few days ago with a friend whose husband used to work for the Apple store and he messaged me to tell me about the app when she showed him the pictures of Daniel’s PECS book.

    • We are actually looking into getting an ipad for my son and have begun the process of going through insurance and looking at charities. In therapy he has responded better to the ipad than the PECS. We like sign the best but most of the world doesn’t know it so pointing to a picture is better. There are free apps that people can download but the complete program we will likely buy (if we get the ipad) costs $80. But I think it’ll be so worth it.

      At least in my area, I’ve been told that many times insurance and the government don’t want to pay for ipads because they don’t know if you’re using it for language or Angry Birds.

  2. I think the most important thing is just to be an involved parent. For me, I’ve taken on the responsibility of homeschooling but I see lots of great parents with kids in public and private schools who are actively involved and therefore their children do great in those environments.
    I went through a phase where I felt like homeschooling was the best for everyone, but I quickly learned there are unhappy children and parents even amongst homeschoolers. It’s not the perfect, one size fits all solution and I think parents with special needs children need to understand it might not “fix” all their children’s issues. I see parents who’s kids struggle in school so they pull them out and then are completely overwhelmed by their unique learning styles. (But thankfully I do see other families successfully homeschooling their SN kids without sacrificing quality and it’s wonderful to know there is support out there for homeschoolers of all stripes. )
    Homeschooling is not a decision to be made on a whim or by only one parent. My husband and I both read a lot and agreed together that it would be the best educational method for our family and despite any struggles, we still embrace it.
    Your decision is a sound one Jen and people who try to make you feel otherwise are the problem, not the school district or you.

  3. This was very interesting! Your reasons 1,2 & 4 are very much part of why I’ve chosen not to homeschool mine. And while I feel like I don’t have the skill set necessary to homeschool, I do have an education background and degree (middle and high school, though). Still, the thought of teaching my kids to write and read overwhelms me, not to mention the rest of the subjects!

    In my area, I don’t know many homeschoolers (except Dianna @ The Kennedy Adventures) and after reading, talking, and praying, I just don’t think it’s for our family. Our biggest problem is public vs. private, though it’s really not a choice, either. Our public school system is very much under par. There are SO many things wrong with our district, I just can’t imagine sending my kids to school within it. Even my husband (ever the worrier about money) said that it’s not even an option.

    However, Catholic schools in our area are pretty high. There are certainly areas of the country where tuition is even higher, but the thought of sending 3 (at this point) to Catholic school K-12 literally makes me hyperventilate at times. But, we’ve made our decision through lots of prayer and discussion. It will be a HUGE sacrifice, and I’ll likely go back to work in a few years (but I probably would have anyway, see your reason #2) to help pay for it!

    If we had a better public school option, our decision would likely be even tougher! In the end, it really is the parent who knows what’s best for her child. I believe you’ve put Daniel’s best interest first and that’s truly what matters! Therefore, you’ve made the right decision!

  4. I think the most important thing is that you actually thought about the decision and didn’t go with an assumption or blindly following dogma.That isn’t always easy, and I think admitting that you’d rather not be a stay-at-home mom is brave in a sense because of gender-based expectations. 🙂

  5. For what it’s worth, I think you’re making the best decision (although obviously my opinion does not count at all). Homeschooling works for some and that’s what I’m hoping to do (I’m going to email you my little blurb) but Daniel has so many needs that Lucia does not have and if I ever have a child with special needs, I would definitely seek the help of trained professionals to give him/her the best education possible! I’m so happy to hear Daniel is thriving at his school.

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