A Few Scenes From My Morning

I had just gotten off the phone with Jon’s father and was IM’ing with Rick. The last two bites of my Strawberry-Banana Berry Blast Cheerios was in the bowl and I ws in the midst of swallowing them and answering Rick’s question when the phone rang. It was our local hospice coordinator asking to speak to “Pastor McCabe”. I handed off the phone to Jon and mouthed “this is it”. He nodded at me and I went downstairs to find some clean khakis. Finding that all my pseudo-clerical stuff was either needing to be washed or ironed, I settled on my jeans and tossed the rest of my clothes on.

We drove out to the farmhouse and made it in record time. The body was still there and we all sat down and prayed a prayer of commital. I was asked to notify the big Lutheran church in town as the funeral will likely be held there. I walked out of the house into the yard and felt the cool breeze of the morning blowing around me as I tried to get cell phone reception. Everything was quiet and as I talked to the secretary at the church, I watched the corn waving in the breeze across the street. The beauty and stillness all around me was comforting and I stayed and gazed out for a while afterward.

Jon and the family talked about funeral things while I took care of comforting various people. (One of the granddaughters had just woken up and was in hysterics. I sat on the bed with her and held her for awhile.) They talked about various hymns that would be sung, songs that would be played, Scripture that would be read… The family was amazingly jovial about it and was ribbing Jon for having to look up one of the verse references. There were stories told of what she did for the church, the community, and of her raising of her seven kids.

The guys from the funeral home came and took the body away. All her children and grandchildren who were present kissed her forehead before they put her on the stretcher and loaded her into the back of the station wagon. The funeral director talked with the family briefly and made arrangements for all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss the plans. We followed them outside as they loaded her in the back and stood and watched as they drove away.

Into your hands , O merciful Savior, we commend your servant Lorraine. Acknowledge, we humbly beseech you, a sheep of your own fold, a lamb of your own flock, a sinner of your own redeeming. Receive her into the arms of your mercy, into the blessed rest of everlasting peace, and into the glorious company of the saints of light. Amen.

My Feelings Right Now

Today, we went to go clean out the car. I am incredibly sad and I’m fighting some serious anxiety and depression. I’m on a new medication for my panic attacks that is stronger and all I want to do right now is curl up under my comforter and hide.

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD ,
for he has been good to me.

–Psalm 13

What’s Up Right Now

Well… we chose to fix the car so we’re waiting for estimates on how much it will be to do so. Our mechanic tried to discourage us from it by telling us that it looked totalled, but we’re just going to see what we can do for it. I’m really irritated because the body people haven’t coordinated with the mechanics to look at the damage and I want my car back!!!!!!!!!!!

My hip got better and it’s flaring up again. I’m trying to ice it and take the pain meds I got but I might be back in the clinic tomorrow if it’s not doing a whole lot better. I can pretty much predict what my P.A. will say (ice it and keep walking) but there might be the off chance that he can recommend something better.

I haven’t blogged much because I haven’t had the mental energy to blog. Friday, I was inconsolably upset for most of the day. Saturday and Sunday, I didn’t want to blog about any of this because I was still spewing venom about the person who hit us and how unfair this is that it’s happening right now. Monday, I had to start dealing with insurance companies and paperwork. Right now… just updating so that people don’t think I’ve fallen off the face of the earth.