Monthly Archives: May 2009

Pentecost Already?

Posted on by

Daniel was born the week before Easter. It is now Pentecost. Time is seriously flying!!!!

Daniel updates are here. Succinctly putting it, he’s doing well and growing like a weed.

I’m working three days a week and spending the rest of the time down in Great Falls with the big-eyed boy. I’m grateful that my company and my management is supportive of all of this and that I can even do this. Once Daniel gets out of the hospital, I’ll have 2-3 weeks of maternity leave left and then I’m going to have to figure out a schedule for work that allows Jon to do his church stuff and allows me to work while providing care for Daniel. Daycare is a bit of an issue because Daniel is such a preemie so it might be a bit “interesting”. I know there is some outrage in the community because OMG I’m not quitting my job to stay home with Daniel and be a mommy and I’m not even addressing those people. Working keeps me sane (strange as it sounds) and I think we can (hopefully) balance things out.

Jon’s call papers are in and the bites we had aren’t panning out. That’s all I’m wanting to say and all I think people need to know at the moment. It’s probably good that we’re not looking at moving before August 15th because trying to coordinate Daniel’s care and a move right now is a little more than we can handle. We’re hoping Jon gets a new call in the near future though I’m chill with staying put at the moment if that is what God is calling us to do. I’m just hoping that we don’t have people in Jon’s congregations that try to force the synod’s hand or decide that the best thing to do is put the screws to us — that’s about the worst thing that they can do.

Some people have asked how I’m doing. The answer: I’M DEAD EXHAUSTED. It’s hard having Daniel down in Great Falls and trying to balance my everyday life plus trips down here. Yesterday, I fell asleep around Brady on the drive home (Jon was driving — I wouldn’t drive if I wasn’t able to stay awake) and then just barely got my pajamas on before I collapsed into bed and fell asleep again. I slept too late to make it to a church service this morning (then again, I don’t think I’ve actually ATTENDED a Sunday service in 3-4 weeks — I go to a Eucharist service on Wednesday at noon in Great Falls) and as I’m sitting here, I’m STILL tired. I’m having to remind myself that I can only do what I can do and that I’m doing the best that I can with the hours I have in a day. The people who think I should be doing more than I am need to trade lives with me for a day!

Incredibly Sad

Posted on by

Great Falls Tribune: Shelby teen dies in accidental shooting

I was awake with a migraine when the phone started ringing at 2:30 a.m. with calls about getting grief counselors set up to go to the high school this morning. Jon got about 4 hours of sleep and was out the door at 7:00 to be at the high school when students started arriving at 7:30. If I wasn’t scheduled to work today and if I hadn’t been flattened with a migraine, I likely would have been at the high school as well.

Graduation is this weekend and what should be a fun weekend for everyone is now going to be a somber occasion for most.

His mother was the nurse who admitted me to the Shelby hospital on April 6th and went down to Great Falls with me in the ambulance hours later. She prayed with me and held my hand and talked gently to me to keep me calm. Two days later, she came bursting into the NICU to see how Daniel and I were doing. I can’t express how awful I feel for her losing her son, especially as she was instrumental in mine making it into the world alive as well as me surviving his birth.

I am just incredibly sad at the moment.

Finally Starting to Comprehend

Posted on by

I’ve had an *interesting* couple weeks. One reason is that I’m back to work three days a week. This is a good thing because I really did miss my co-workers (even the ones I was ready to kill before I went on maternity leave) and I actually missed my work. (I know… I’m crazy.)

The other reason is that I’m now starting to comprehend the gravity of what I was going through during the week of April 5th when Daniel was born. When I saw my doctor on May 1st to get clearance to go back to work, she showed me my hospital report and it was pretty sobering to say the least. My platelet level was down to 30% of normal and in addition to the HELLP Syndrome (the form of pre-eclampsia that I had), there was also a placental abruption and I was bleeding into my uterus. They didn’t know about the placental abruption until they cut me open to do the c-section to save my life from the effects of the HELLP Syndrome so really, I could have lost Daniel and eventually bled to death myself if they hadn’t discovered it at that point.

This is pretty scary to think about because if it had hit 24 hours earlier, I would have been home alone and I could have had seizures and other complications. They were already not telling me how sick I was at the time because they didn’t want to panic me but it was a little unnerving when they had to catheterize me because they didn’t want me walking around in case I had a seizure once I got down to the hospital in Great Falls. I also wasn’t aware that the Ativan they were giving me wasn’t to calm me down but instead to prevent the seizing. (I also wish they’d given me the Ativan BEFORE they tried putting the catheter in, but I can’t have everything I want.)

Faith-wise, I realized that I’m finally able to pray again. I seriously could not pray for myself during that week in the hospital and the fact that it was Holy Week was completely irrelevant to me at the time. While I was (and am still) definitely grateful for all the people who came to visit me, sent flowers, prayed for me, and thought of me, that gratefulness was (and is) covering some woundedness in my soul because I was REALLY angry that God allowed me to get so sick and that OMG I WAS LYING IN THE HOSPITAL AND MY BABY WAS IN THE NICU WITH TUBES STICKING OUT OF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it was Holy Week and we were commemorating Our Lord’s Passion — that didn’t change the fact that I was in my own personal hell and what exactly was God doing about it!?!?!?!?!?!?!? My doctor (who is seriously the most awesome person on the planet) was trying to talk me down one morning and was making allusions to all the Holy Week stuff and I was thinking “and your point is?????” It’s so crazy because Holy Week is my favorite week of the Church year and it’s usually a week that I’m seriously into. Not so much this year!

I finally realized how angry I was on Wednesday night as I was driving home from Great Falls and proceeded to have a pretty decent screaming match with God. Seriously, at the time I wanted to know where exactly He was while all this was going on, while I was spending days sobbing, and while I was suffering so much internally while being a sweet grateful person on the outside. And yes, I know what the answer is to that: He was present with me through the people and the outpouring of love from the community. But… I’m still a bit angry and wounded nevertheless and it’s taking some time to really come to terms with that.

While I was driving home on Saturday, the following song came on my iPod and it just completely fit the feelings I was having.

Continue reading →

Chill Out Already!

Posted on by

There’s been a fair amount of flipping out about Obama doing the commencement address at Notre Dame because Obama is pro-choice and Notre Dame is a Catholic school. Apparently, there are protesters pushing baby carriages with bloody baby dolls and I’m sure Operation Rescue has set up banners of aborted fetuses. (Then again, Operation Rescue also picketed Urbana in 2000 so their logic and judgment is a little questionable.)

My word on all this:

CHILL OUT ALREADY!!!!!!

Everyone is acting like his commencement speech is going to promote killing babies and eating them or something. Pro-choice does not mean that you support abortion in every circumstance nor that you *LIKE* that abortion exists. For many people, it means that you do not believe that you have the right to make a decision like that for someone else. And yes, I realize that my stated stance of “pro-life/pro-legal” is essentially equivalent to being “pro-choice” in the eyes of most people. Deal with it.

To all the protesters out there: why don’t you put your money and your time where your mouth is and help to fund Crisis Pregnancy Centers so that women who are in a really tough circumstance can *get* the care they need and have some education about their options.