The topic this week: 10 survival tips to the expecting mom.

Oh boy… I have had probably the weirdest motherhood experience on the planet so it’s weird to think that I’m qualified to offer advice. On the other hand, mi amigo Thomas and his wife Alison are preparing to welcome twins around Christmas/New Year/Candlemas and he put out the word that he needs advice on what they’ll need in terms of gear so I think I’ll make this a dual post seeing as I’m getting a late start (and backdating this — I was traveling today).

01.) Trust your body. For those not in the know, my wee bairn was born at 29.5 weeks because I developed HELLP Syndrome and the only way to save both of our lives was to deliver Daniel by c-section. The reason I lived was that I had medical professionals who caught it before it morphed into full-on HELLP Syndrome so that I was actually already in the hospital when ish got real and they were able to intervene enough to get me to a hospital who could handle it. I also knew that there was something really wrong and I spoke up (OK… actually I sobbed my eyes out — this is ME we’re talking about) about the fact that I knew something wasn’t right so I found out (later) that they were watching me pretty closely when I was in my local rural hospital.

02.) You *are* strong enough to get through “IT” whatever “IT” may be. One of my co-workers gave me the best advice possible when I confided in her that I was terrified of labor: it’s one of those things that nobody can do for you and by the time you’re there, you’re so busy living in the moment that you don’t have time to be scared. It actually even held true for my insane horror story of a delivery — I was so focused on getting through it that I forgot to be scared. It wasn’t until the adrenaline kicked out and I was off all the drugs they were giving me to keep me from going into multiple organ failure that I realized what had happened and completely broke down emotionally. Thankfully by that point, my mommy had arrived (I was in Montana and she was in California) and she was able to help me work through them. (I also had the most awesome high-risk OB on the planet who came back across town to sit by my bedside and talk me off various emotional ledges.)

03.) Trust your mama instincts. Believe this mama when she tells you that you will *KNOW* that baby better than anyone else. You’ve carried that precious sweetling for 9 months and you will get to know them so intimately that you will turn mama grizzly bear on anyone who opposes you. You will learn what their schedule is and what lullaby calms them down. You will also learn what a normal baby cold is and what RSV is and you might even save their lives with that knowledge… twice.

04.) Believe it or not, babies do come with an instruction manual. I kid you not: The Baby Owner’s Manual. I didn’t use my copy much because having a preemie with developmental delays is kind of like showing up to play basketball… with a badminton racquet. For someone with a typically developing baby (or two), I think it would be useful.

05.) The first month is going to suck at times. It gets better. There are going to be magical moments when your baby is asleep on your tummy and is taking a nap with you. There are also going to be times when you’re sobbing because YOUR-BABY-IS-CRYING-AND-OHMIGOSH-YOU-JUST-WANT-A-FREAKING-SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!!! As my friend Janelle has said to me many a time when I’ve been flipping out because my life is so freaking hard, “it’s just a season.” She’s right. You will develop a rhythm and you’ll get the hang of things. Meanwhile, bribe people to bring you food and clean your house with offers to let them hold the baby… but only if they don’t have any upper respiratory viruses and have washed their hands up to their elbows according to ICU protocol and applied liberal amounts of alcohol gel. (I am just slightly OCD.)

06.) Invest in some kind of baby-wearing apparatus (not the right word but oh well) be it a mei-tei, an Ergo, or a Moby wrap. Seriously, this was the best thing EVER for church because I could have Jon or a parishioner help me get my Moby wrap secured and Daniel would sleep on my chest or take a bottle while I worshipped. It also was a nice way of having Daniel on me (and keeping him relatively happy) while also being able to do things around the house. The Moby wrap site also has MLB ones… including the Detroit Tigers. (This is a hint for Thomas.)

07.) Own whatever decision you make. I hang around crunchy attachment parenting types on Facebook who breast-feed, cloth diaper, think circumcision is barbaric… and I did totally the opposite. I was too sick to breast-feed (and really, I needed the sleep to avoid spiraling further into post-partum depression) so we went the formula route. Cloth diapering confused the heck out of me… so we went with Pampers. We chose to circ Daniel… and I feel no regret about it nor do I feel the deep need to justify any of this. *YOU* are the mama. The parishioner/”helpful” friend/grandmother/random person on the street isn’t. That’s all that matters.

08.) Make some kind of deal with your spouse or someone else to watch the child while you go run an errand, get a pedicure, go to $tarbux, etc. I know you totally love your baby. That’s awesome. What is even more awesome is getting to leave the house and be human for an hour or so. You can pump enough for a feeding and go have coffee with a friend or go out and have a date night with your husband.

09.) There are some indispensable things to have on hand. Other things, not so much. What I found to be useful were…. a pack n’ play (for travel), microwave steam sterilizer, a car seat with extra bases (one for mom’s car and one for dad’s car), a bouncer or swing (either one — just something to put the baby down into safely so you can drain your pasta or eat dinner), stroller (it helps), and a sense of perspective. That last one isn’t something you can buy in a store — let’s just say that if you understand that there are some things that will not matter in the grand scheme of things, it will make parenting easier.

10.) You are going to screw up. Suck it up and move on. No parent is perfect and [insert expletive] happens. Unless it requires a trip to the ER (who are more than used to dealing with hysterical parents), consider it a lesson learned. I’ve found that having the number of the local 24-hour Walgreens on hand is indispensable (because the pharmacist can tell you the correct dose of Tylenol to give at 4:30 a.m. when your child is teething) as is knowing the number for Poison Control. (Let’s face it… kids put stuff in their mouths. So do adults when they are in a state of severe sleep deprivation.)

Bonus: Every child is unique. Don’t compare yours to anyone else’s child. This is the biggest mistake I’ve made in parenting, especially because Daniel has so many developmental delays. I would have enjoyed his second year a whole lot more if I hadn’t been beating myself up because he wasn’t doing _______________ which his godparents’ daughter Emily had done at an earlier age. Having to fight for those milestones made them ten times sweeter.

Now go see Becky and what everyone else felt was necessary for survival.