For Today… June 28, 2017
Looking out my window… dark. It’s late at night and I’m blogging out my brain. It’s supposed to be in the low 70’s today.
I am thinking… about things in one of my relationships.
I am thankful… Daniel’s fever is (likely) gone and the trip to Urgent Care wasn’t bad.
One of my favorite things… sleep. I’m probably out of luck tonight though.
I am creating… this post.
I am listening to… one of my favorite piano pieces.
I am hoping… to get to sleep soon after I post this.
I am learning… balance. I’m in a static situation at the moment though there is a great deal of fluctuation within that situation. It’s a weird paradox.
In my kitchen… figuring out what to cook for myself. I’m thinking something from The Lemon Bowl? We made a couple of her recipes for Father’s Day and they’re worth repeating.
Post Script… something for the cat lovers.
Shared Quote… From CarouselConductor, a poster in one of the subreddits I frequent:
Loss. Whether a death, estrangement, or any other kind.
Losing someone leaves a hole. This hole is in the shape of the person who is gone. It has ragged, bleeding edges that hurt with every movement. It’s hard to even consider this void, because even looking at it brings pain. All you can do is hope that something fills it in, because it’s too wide. Too deep. Too open.
And then time passes. You remember the person, talk about them, the good times, the bad. The bleeding edges are still painful, but somehow, you can approach them a little closer. It’s tender, but the bleeding has been slowed. The void is keenly felt, and you wonder what it will take for it to just go away.
More time passes. It’s not so bad, when you look at the hole, now. You might be wondering when it will fill in. If you get too close, you can still see the echo of the person who left the hole. Peering into it might still be too much, and nothing moves the same way anymore. But the bleeding has stopped and the pain isn’t there every time you move.
As even more time goes by, you start to realize that things feel different, but that raging pain is more of a distant ache, now. If you look at the hole, you find that the edges are scarred over. The void is still there. The shape of what made it is still recognizable. And then you realize that the hole is there, and it will always be there.
The topography of what makes you, you, has changed.
The ragged edges have healed over and you find that in that thing you thought was a bottomless pit of pain, there is now a well of memories. It’s up to you if you visit for a time, or simply walk on by.
Give yourself time for the hole to heal. And it will heal, regardless of abstracts like forgiveness, regrets, blame, or anger. Even if it doesn’t seem like it.
Please seek help when dealing with the trauma of loss. No one should go through grief alone.
Closing Notes: My kickboxing class was cancelled for the fall and they emailed me today to let me know that I have priority enrollment for a yoga class they are adding.
My mom laughed at me when I told her, commenting that it’s another form of stress management. I looked at her and replied that I have a deep need to punch and kick things and they just took away my ability to do this!!!!
*goes off to sulk and find a local kickboxing class*
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