Learning to Trust

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The lovely and irreverent Kate of ImperfectKate posted on perspective today and I think she has a point so I’m using her post as a jumping-off point. There is some language (it wouldn’t be Kate if there wasn’t) but it’s worth reading. Go read it. Do it now. I’ll wait here.

*crickets chirping*

Now that you’re back, I’ll answer that the way my perspective is shifted and my focus realigned is to have the rug pulled out from under me. For example, I was in the candidacy process for ministry in the ELCA in 2003… and was rejected. Hindsight being 20/20, me doing seminary would have destroyed my marriage. We always ended up far enough away from a seminary that I’d have to reside on campus during the week and that would not be a way to have a marriage, especially a new one. In addition to destroying my marriage, it would have put me in a precarious position because my current Lutheran denomination doesn’t permit the ordination of women and in order for Jon to take a call with them, I would have to leave the ministry.

Another example of shifting perspective/realigning focus is Daniel. Every time I think I’ve got the parenting thing down, he pulls a game changing move which throws things into flux. He was born prematurely, he was hospitalized for 3 weeks last March with an unknown respiratory virus, he had another hospital stay at Thanksgiving, and he was diagnosed with autism in January. The autism diagnosis threw an already precarious situation (developmental delays) into even more flux and I find that I’m parenting by the seat of my pants. I’ve been forced to lean on my church ladies which is hard because while the ladies at Metanoia are seriously awesome, I’ve had people in my life screw me over and it’s a lesson in learning to trust.

Learning to trust God is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. I’m a convert to Christianity and I’ve now hit the point where I’ve been part of the faith longer than I haven’t if that makes any sense. (It’s been 17 years which means it’s been over half my life.) I may have been Christian for a long time but I still have the convert mentality that I have to have solutions to everything and I have to rely on myself. It’s the reason why the Holy Spirit’s 2×4 gets a decent work-out in smacking me in the head — if I could do it myself, I wouldn’t need God and Christ’s death on the Cross would be meaningless. Quoting the answer to the Third Article of the Creed in Luther’s Small Catechism:

I believe that I cannot by my own reason or strength believe in Jesus Christ, my Lord, or come to Him; but the Holy Ghost has called me by the Gospel, enlightened me with His gifts, sanctified and kept me in the true faith; even as He calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies the whole Christian Church on earth, and keeps it with Jesus Christ in the one true faith; in which Christian Church He forgives daily and richly all sins to me and all believers, and at the last day will raise up me and all the dead, and will give to me and to all believers in Christ everlasting life. This is most certainly true.

(For my Catholic readers: think of this as one of the catechisms produced by St. Peter Canisius.)

In other words, I can’t come to God wholly on my own but do so with the help of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit enables me to work on my trust issues with God and as my trust issues improve, so does my focus and my perspective. Is it perfect? Far from it. Do I have issues with belief? More often than I like to admit. The important thing is that I’m moving forward on my journey through this world to the next and each step I take in faith is a step toward complete faith.

Hymns That Speak to Me Right Now (III)

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Again, I’m finding myself with insomnia in the wee hours of the morning with severe writer’s block so I’m going to continue posting on hymns and praise songs that speak to me at this moment. “It Is Well With My Soul” has long been one of my favorite hymns and one that I *know* I sang to Daniel in both the NICU and PICU. (I distinctly remember the NICU experience because I was rocking him and he was just looking up at me like I had created the entire world just for him.) I learned it during my college years in Intervarsity and it is one that I have loved since then. I think the reason I love it so much is that it bears the message that in the midst of everything that can happen, we are called to be at peace and to be able to say “it is well with my soul”.

The story behind this hymn according to Cyberhymnal: This hymn was writ?ten af?ter two ma?jor trau?mas in Spaf?ford??s life. The first was the great Chi?ca?go Fire of Oc?to?ber 1871, which ru?ined him fi?nan?cial?ly (he had been a weal?thy bus?i?ness?man). Short?ly af?ter, while cross?ing the At?lan?tic, all four of Spaf?ford??s daugh?ters died in a col?li?sion with an?o?ther ship. Spaf?ford??s wife Anna sur?vived and sent him the now fa?mous tel?e?gram, ??Saved alone.?? Sev?er?al weeks lat?er, as Spaf?ford??s own ship passed near the spot where his daugh?ters died, the Ho?ly Spir?it in?spired these words. They speak to the eter?nal hope that all be?liev?ers have, no mat?ter what pain and grief be?fall them on earth.

Here are the four verses usually found in hymnals:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

The recording is of Chris Rice singing it off of his album “Peace Like A River”:

Anniversary Posting: “As the Bridegroom to His Chosen”

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Today is my 10th wedding anniversary and unfortunately, I didn’t put any post seeds together on Wednesday night so I’m having to come up with something at 2 a.m. Go me.

I got a CD of Rutter pieces from my mom for Christmas a few years ago and this one is probably my favorite. It is called “As the Bridegroom to His Chosen” and is based on poem written by the 14th Century German Dominican, Johannes Tauler (1300-1361).

The lyrics:

As the bridegroom to his chosen, as the king unto his realm,
As the keeper to the castle, as the pilot to the helm.
As the captain to his soldiers, as the shepherd to his lambs,
So, Lord, art thou to me.

As the fountain in the garden, as the candle in the dark,
As the treasure in the coffer, as the manna in the ark,
As the firelight in the winter, as the sunlight in the spring
So Lord art thou to me.

As the music at the banquet, as the stamp unto the seal,
As refreshment to the fainting, as the winecup at the meal,
As the singing on the feast day, as the amen to the prayer,
So Lord art thou to me.

As the ruby in the setting, as the honey in the comb
As the light within the lantern, as the father in the home,
As the eagle in the mountains, as the sparrow in the nest,
So Lord art thou to me.

As the sunshine in the heavens, as the image in the glass,
As the fruit unto the fig tree, as the dew unto the grass,
As the rainbow on the hilltop, as the river in the plain,
So Lord art thou to me.

The first three verses are Tauler and I believe Rutter wrote the 4th verse? (I’m trying to recall from the album notes which are at home and I’m in the guest room at my parents’ house.)

It’s sung on this YouTube video by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and they do it complete and absolute justice.

7 Quick Takes — Writing About Music, Blegging for Promise Walk Donations, and a Synopsis of My Life

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7 Quick Takes

— 1 —

We didn’t get to have dinner with friends on Friday. Between Daniel and I and the weather, it was not a good idea to venture northward into the Sierra foothills. Daniel was better than Wednesday but had thrown up that morning and I hadn’t slept well meaning that I was not going to be great dinner company. (Sleep deprivation does not do good things to me.) The weather was foul and I actually did well by only going to Elk Grove to get a new router and then for some basic groceries. The upside of the rain was that I just had to leave Daniel’s crib mattress out in the morning and it got washed off.

— 2 —

Dinner with my parents, evil twin, and his fiancée was excellent. The only downside was Daniel being grumpy because he couldn’t go outside and play in the rain as well as not having a full nap. Dinner was lovely and it was good to see Sean (the evil twin) and Jeanette again. We also got to see Daniel sign “more” spontaneously as we bounced him on Jeanette’s exercise ball. When he signed it, he got LOTS more bouncing. We’ve been trying to get him to do this for almost 2 years so this was some pretty sweet success.

— 3 —

Sunday, I slept until 4 p.m. with a few wakings to change Daniel’s diaper and take care of his basic needs. I think my body was kind of tired of me beating it into submission through all the sleep deprivation. Thankfully, our living room and hallway are Daniel-proof and Jon got home at noon so Daniel wasn’t without supervision for too long. (I fell asleep in the recliner in the living room so I would have heard if he was screaming or if something happened.) I also think there was some leftover Sudafed in my system or something?

— 4 —

My 10th wedding anniversary is Friday so we headed to San Jose today. The purpose of going to San Jose is obtaining cheap babysitting via my parents and also having an Olive Garden close enough for dinner. Yes, I’m aware that Olive Garden is the McDonalds of Italian food. However, I’m trying to be faithful about not eating meat on Fridays and I know that their calamari and minestrone soup are not going to irritate my stomach.

— 5 —

It’s been nice weather for the past two days. Fortunately (or unfortunately if you have outside plans this weekend), we are supposed to be having rain in the forecast for the next few days. From here, it looks like it will just be north of us and hopefully not in the south bay — I want to have park time with Daniel this weekend. The fresh air is good for him and all the climbing and chasing is good for me.

— 6 —

I’ve been really blessed by all the music posting I’ve been doing lately. I wrote last week about all the writer’s block I’ve been having. I decided that I’d focus some more of my Lenten writing on hymns and songs that are reaching me. I had been wanting to talk about “Brethren We Have Met to Worship” for a long time as well as the song “If I Stand” by Rich Mullins. The coolest thing about doing the Rich Mullins post is that I found a YouTube video of him performing it. He died in a car accident (for the love of God people, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE wear your seatbelts!!!!) just as I was learning about him and his music so I’ve felt cheated in a way because I never got to see him perform. Finding the YouTube video was an answer to a prayer and desire that I don’t think I’ve ever vocalized.

— 7 —

At this time 3 years ago, I had swollen hands and some pretty spectacular cankles. My body was starting to feel the effects of the HELLP Syndrome and we didn’t connect the pieces until I went into full-on preeclampsia on the night of April 6th. Being part of the Promise Walk last year was one of the most healing things I think I’ve ever done because I got to know others who had dealt with some of the same things I did. Please sponsor me and help fund studies so that we can know more about this condition and help to prevent it from occurring in others.

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen at ConversionDiary.Com.

Lenten Worship Music (V)

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Today’s music is the song “Down in the River to Pray” made popular by the film O Brother, Where Art Thou?. I first heard it at a seminary potluck being held in someone’s room and had to have it. Since then, I’ve heard it done by gospel choirs and sang it at church camp during Vespers next to Flathead Lake. I love the simplicity of it as well as the fact that it can be extended indefinitely by adding people being invited to go “down in the river to pray”. Another reason I love it: it’s one of the songs I sang to Daniel during our PICU experience last year and that I probably sang to him in the NICU during our post-bath cuddles one night.

Some words on the history are here.

I have a YouTube video of the song with images from the BBC. The singer is Allison Kraus.

15 Reasons Why I Stay in the Church

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Earlier today, Rachel Held Evans posted 15 Reasons I Left the Church. The seminary president of my Lutheran sect denomination posted a rebuttal of 15 reasons why I came back to the Church. Having read both, I decided to post my own response.

01. I stay in the church because while worship and Bible study are important, I find that our monthly Ladies’ Night Out blesses me and causes me to grow in unexpected ways.

02. I stay in the church because when we talk about sin, we also talk about God’s love and forgivness.

03. I stay in the church because sometimes I have the answer to the questions others ask. Sometimes, they can help me find the answer to the questions I ask. It’s all about “working out our salvation with fear and trembling” in the words of Philippians 2:12b.

04. I stay in the church because if it’s going to be anything other than a cult or a country club, there needs to be a voice speaking up, welcoming people, and advocating for the viewpoint that we’re a hospital for sinners.

05.) I stay in the church because whether or not the earth is young or old is not a hill on which I care to die and somehow it isn’t the most pressing issue that we’re being called to engage.

06.) I stay in the church because during those times I have doubt, I have a community of people picking up the slack in my faith and being present for me in the midst of my doubt. In this fashion, they are helping me to stay with God even during the times I put Him on notice.

07.) I stay in the church because it was someone trying to make me into their “project” that helped me find my voice and my assertiveness. It doesn’t hurt that I’m also the focus of God’s love and that in serving Him and immersing myself in the Word, I become a better person.

08.) I stay in the church because I believe that in Christ, there is no Democrat or Republican. I also respect that people have to make their own political decisions and that their decision may not be mine.

09.) I stay in the church because I believe in engaging and struggling with the passages in the Bible that include violence, misogyny, and genocide.

10.) I stay in the church because I need the reminder that I am dependent on others in such a way that I am part of a community of faith rather than a lone wolf Christian. Being dependent on others means that there are people to catch me when I fall and that I sometimes have to do the catching.

11.) I stay in the church because whether or not I believe in having a woman behind the pulpit, I know that I am part of the priesthood of all believers and can minister to others that way.

12.) I stay in the church because our outreach enables us to help a wide spectrum of people through things like food banks, helping out at homeless ministries, and raising funds for charities. Quoting Grey’s Anatomy, “it’s what Jesus would fricking do!”

13.) I stay in the church because it spawned people like William Wilberforce and organizations like International Justice Mission. Having a food pantry box in the narthex reminds me that I’m blessed to have food. Working with a local homeless mission through the church reminds me of how lucky I am to have a roof over my head.

14.) I stay in the church because I had people who held me through those times when I doubted God’s existence and who ministered to me during my “dark nights of the soul”, helping me to keep the faith even when I wasn’t sure I had any to begin with.

15.) I stay in the church because someone needs to gently remind people that those signs violate IRS rules concerning organizations with 501(c)3 status, one of which is that churches cannot tell their parishioners how to vote or they risk losing their tax-exempt status.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? Now eagerly desire the greater gifts.
— 1 Corinthians 12: 27-31 (NIV)

Despite everything I’ve been through as a pastor’s wife, I’ve chosen to remain in the church because I know that I am part of the Body of Christ. I also know that I would fall flat if I ever stopped being part of the church because I’ve tried doing it on my own and I fell flat. Being part of the Body means being part of a community where we ideally journey to heaven together and help those who have fallen along the path.

Some C.S. Lewis for Today

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I’m having a seriously tough time trying to come up with something so accept some C.S. Lewis today.

“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: ‘I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept His claim to be God.’ That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would be either a lunatic ?? on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg ?? or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”
— C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity