this has been an insane day. a somewhat major medical situation for me, finding out that things are going to be ok even though jon and i had been up for half the night panicking, dinner out to celebrate our ENGAGEMENT (!!!!)… as soon as i finish this, we’ll do the rosary together and the offices that we didn’t say today. yes, the two of us do a lot of praying together but praying together is what has really strengthened our relationship. yes… jon and i are now engaged. yesterday was his 23rd birthday and he proposed just after i gave him the fudge cake that i had made him. my ring is a silver celtic friendship knot which is what i wished for since i’m not into extravagant jewelry. (i don’t *know* what i’d do with myself if i had a diamond ring, honestly.) the two of us have pretty much known for the last 6 months that we were going to end up this way. he’s so spiritually strong, so smart, so funny, so kind, so gentle, so compassionate, so wonderful… i’m a happy lepicat. i didn’t get a chance to finish the email i originally sent so i’ve gotten a lot of emails and phone calls asking for details (!!!).
i was reading one of jon’s mom’s devos today and it talked about the importance of staying caught up on devo reading and such. i can attest to this. i feel really weak if i’m behind and i feel really panicky if i don’t pray daily on my own. (jon, who is standing next to me, reading this over my shoulder, says, “great sales pitch mom!!”)
i’m reading the devotionals that jon’s mom wrote for this week in “christ in our home” (the elca equivalent of odb) and i’ve gotten to the one she wrote about her cat timothy who is s-p-o-i-l-e-d with a capital “s”. this “young lion” gets all the pampering that he desires and though he thinks he “suffers in hunger”, he is fed remarkably often. he makes my mom’s demonic orange cat look like an abused child. the devotional is based on psalm 34:9-14 which talks about how those who fear the Lord lack nothing.
i just got the “wow worship” cd. it is *soooooooo* good. i really miss contemporary worship when i’m home and i’m blasting it on my cd rom and singing along. it’s a cool way to worship and i really enjoy having music that encourages me while i work. the first cd in the album is probably my favorite since it has all the really good ones like “heart of worship”, “shout to the Lord” (which almost *always* brings me to tears when i sing it), “Father, i adore You”, and “the river is here”. “shout to the Lord” brings me to tears because the lyrics are so powerful and also because it reminds me of my friend steve lazaar who died two years ago. he had been one of my co-leaders for the leland christian fellowship during senior year and he was one of the few people who was really a good friend throughout high school. he died of a massive heart attack two years ago and i am still really struggling to accept his death.
if i hadn’t realized how much i love jon and how well we suit each other, i realized it last night. i’ve had a really nasty week with problems from the insurance company that is handling my worker’s comp, from my bank as far as what the balance in my account really is, from my co-workers… i was in neurotic tears last night and instead of saying, “jen, i can’t deal with this — call me when things were better”, he sat and listened to me rage on about my problems and then he tried to sing me to sleep. i think i really need to keep this guy.
i did a bunch of girly home-ec stuff today. i made a feta-pesto-mozzerella calzone for lunch which was awesome and i made pizza from scratch tonight. since we have so much leftover cheese and sauce and pesto, i may just make a lasagna tomorrow morning before work for people to nosh on when they get home. i would also have loved to do some sewing but i’m afraid of breaking mom’s machine since i’ve never been able to thread it well.
sigh… why do i get involved in the politics on the compuserve fellowship forum? mikael responded back and what he said did hurt, but i still stand by my postion, mostly because my decision is backed up by my faith and that’s what should be governing my life. still… it does hurt to be on mikael’s bad side.
today was a frustrating day. i got tosses into jr’s with no idea what i was doing. (matt pointed out that i now know more than i did at this time yesterday. why is he right all the time? :)) i also got to back up café, which reminded me why i’m happy to be out of there. the next time i complain about missing the café, somebody please shoot me.
in my quiet time, my passage talked about praising the Lord. this is something that i really need to start doing as much of my prayer time is spent complaining to the Lord about my situation. yes, i am depressed in a bad way. yes, i am angry. yes, i want out of san jose and away from the yuppie scum that inhabit it and live off of their yuppie coffee and beamers. this still doesn’t mean that i shouldn’t be praising God for life, for what He has done for me, and just the fact that i lead a really privileged life.
i ended up deleting yesterday’s entry because i felt that it was too sugar-coated in what i was saying. i also felt that i was being downright pharisaic in my talk of my issues with society’s views on sex. (i’m one of those *old fashioned* people who thinks that sex is for marriage alone.) i felt like i was saying that every one of my generation except *me* is headed down the wrong path. i feel like i’m being too judgmental in saying that. sigh… why is it that everyone is allowed to voice their thoughts but christians are urged to keep their mouths shut?
go to prayer.diaryland.com. now. do it.
my devo time today included ephesians 4:25 – 5:2 (get rid of all bitterness and forgive people and then be imitators of Christ). it’s a passage of lessons that i should learn. i admit that i am really bitter about things and i admit that i am angry that i’m stuck in san jose since it’s really hard being home. i love my family and all, but san jose just has some bad memories. i admit that dad and i have been fighting lately over my attitude. (he wants me to loosen up and i want him to actually listen to me instead of interrupting me and writing me off.) i really need to forgive him for some of the arguments that we’ve had but it’s so hard…
well… it’s beem a looooong time since i’ve journalled and some big things have happened.
firstly… I HAVE HOUSING!!!!!!!!!!!! darlene called me on friday to let me know that i have a single room in descartes, which is an all female dorm!!!! i was literally dancing around the breakroom at work. i’m also realizing that it might be harder than i thouight to move to ohio. i’ve got my plane ticket and i wouldn’t mind living japanese style for a year (i.e. matress on the floor and very little furniture) but the other thing is gonna be finding affordable housing close to the sem. i figure that if God wants me to be there, He’ll give me some kind of housing, but it’s kind of daunting. the other question is what kind of job i’d have. since i can’t technically go to grad school for another two years, i’d need to find some kind of job so that i could save up for it (and furniture).
this evening, i’ve been really focusing on anger i have towards jon louie. i feel like he treated me like dirt last year in breaking promises of hang out time with me to be with susie or other friends. i also feel like he talked down to me and he deprecated any belief i had in myself because when he started dating susie again, i lost everything. carolyn didn’t understand how deep it was, though she was right in saying that i needed to accept that jon had found someone else. i just wish that it hadn’t hurt so much. i also wish that i could somehow release this anger i have towards him since i feel like everything he did was to make himself look better. sigh…
yesterday was a really wonderful day at work. i was working cash/wrap and taking care of customer orders instead of doing café. (café aggravates my wrist and i’m pretty sure that matt and the rest of management do not want to deal with the rest of the worker’s comp paper work if i sprain it again.) the customers were nice and none of them screamed at me (except one woman doing a return but she was the exception). jon’s call at 6 also really made my day more wonderful. i also ended up only 2¢ over when i counted my drawer at the end of my shift. this morning was a really weird morning. it’s incredibly humid and muggy today. it’s making the temperature feel in the 100′s instead of the mid-80′s.